Prisms
by pommedeplume
Summary: (Summer 2015) A time of change, growth and discovery comes for Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter and Lily Evans. A season for love, bonding and change, like light refracted through a prism. (Part 6 of series beginning with The Reclusive Hottie in the Attic)
1. Ends and Beginnings

Orange haze filled the attic as the sun rose over the first day of June. Remus Lupin sat at his deck, staring at his laptop screen with surprise.

"Wow," he whispered to himself, then rubbed his eyes vigorously.

He picked up his phone and sent a text to Lily:

 _I'm done. I finished it._

 _It's done._

She was probably sleeping in some sort of configuration with James Potter at the moment. James hardly spent much time in his own room anymore, especially now that summer break had begun. Lily had even mentioned the vague idea that if James could move into her room she could rent out his room, an idea that made Remus more than a little nervous.

He stared at his phone. He was excited. He'd done it. He'd finally finished and he needed to talk about it. Sirius was probably asleep but he couldn't help giving him a try:

 _I finished the fic!_

To Remus's surprise he received an immediate text back:

 **WHAT? HOW?**

 _You're awake?_

 **Yeah. Guess I couldn't sleep.**

 _Can I come downstairs?_

 **It's a free house…**

 _No, I mean… to talk to you?_

 **Yeah. Of course.**

Remus dashed downstairs, glad that he was no longer nervous around Sirius. Sirius was waiting in the doorway to the living room when Remus got to the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey," Sirius said warmly.

"Hey," Remus replied, grinning wide.

"So… you've defeated the beast," Sirius said.

"Yeah. I guess I have. I mean… these chapters still need edits but essentially… I'm done. I wasn't even sure if it would have an ending… but it spoke to me. It felt… right," Remus said.

"Is it a happy or a sad ending?" Sirius asked.

"Geez, you want spoilers?" Remus said and laughed.

"I'm just saying… I'm not sure my heart is prepared for a sad ending," Sirius said.

Remus stepped over to Sirius, his body trembling inside. He picked up Sirius's left hand and held it, feeling strangely confident, maybe because he was tired or maybe because finishing the fic had given him a natural high.

"I think I gave it the right ending. They deserve to be together," Remus said.

"But they're so different," Sirius said softly.

"Well, if a vampire and a vampire hunter can't make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us?" Remus said, smiling up at Sirius and briefly making eye contact before looking down.

"Indeed," Sirius said and gave Remus a hug.

As they pulled away from the hug, Remus felt like he was moving in slow-motion past Sirius's face, painfully aware of how close his lips were but not finding the courage to explore them just yet. After they parted, they stood there in silence for a moment. Suddenly, the front door began to unlock and Remus jumped. Peter Pettigrew quietly walked into the house, removing his shoes in silence.

"Hey, Pete," Sirius said to his friend.

After all these months, Remus still barely knew Sirius and James's friend who lived in Lily's basement. He spent a lot of time caring for his mom or being with his girlfriend, Maddy.

"Hey," Peter said sadly.

"Something wrong?" Sirius said, stepping out of the dark of the hallway over to Peter who was leaning against the back of the sofa.

"Maddy broke up with me," Peter said.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Pete," Sirius said and leaned down to give Peter a hug.

"Thanks, man. I don't know. It came out of nowhere. Everything was fine. And then we were… we were in bed, after… erm. Anyhow, she just turned me to and said it was over. She said the relationship had run its course. And I tried… I tried to say something to change her mind. But she didn't care. She was cold as ice. She didn't even kick me out. She just rolled over and went to sleep. So I left… Don't want to be where I'm not wanted," Peter said, whimpering the last line.

Sirius gave Peter another hug.

"Don't fret, Pete," Sirius said.

"I'll try not to. I guess I need some rest. Good night… erm… morning," Peter said, waving at Remus as he walked to the basement.

Sirius frowned at Remus.

"Well, I hope Steve and Bucky get a better ending than that," Sirius said.

"Definitely," Remus said and headed back upstairs.

* * *

Lily giggled as she kissed James, naked and sweaty on top of him as euphoria still coursed through his body. Morning sex with Lily was such a great way to wake up, James thought. Everything to do with Lily was great. Sex with Lily was great and it wasn't losing its novelty, no matter how hard they had been going at it for all these weeks.

They lay there kissing and sliding against each other for several minutes before Lily finally rolled away, pulling on clothes to head to the bathroom. James wasn't sure he had the energy to climb out of bed yet and grabbed his phone to check his email.

To his surprise he had an email from his ex-girlfriend, Charity Burbage. He hadn't seen her since last autumn. They had briefly texted a few times but that had been it and even that hadn't been in months.

James opened the email, which turned out to be sent to a bunch of her local friends and family. She said that she was moving out east and getting married. She was having a get together shortly. Curious, James thought. She hadn't been dating anyone the last time they talked.

He decided to text Charity for some clarification as he wasn't sure if he was just too tired and had forgotten something.

 _Hey, Char. Got your email. You're getting married? WHAT?_

 **Yep. It's not as a sudden as it seems.**

 **I met this guy online back in January.**

 **I've gone out to Vermont to meet him a few times.**

 **And he's been out here :)**

James stared the texts in disbelief as Lily returned to the room.

"I'm gonna take a shower, babe," Lily said.

"Yeah," James said.

"You OK?" Lily asked.

James looked up at her.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just found out Charity's getting married. She's… moving to Vermont. Like apparently in two weeks," James said.

"Vermont? Where at?" Lily asked.

"Some place called… Brattleboro?" James said.

"Brattleboro? That's not far from Keene. Huh. Small world. Maybe I'll say hi while I'm out there?" Lily said.

Lily was planning on spending the month of July out in New Hampshire visiting her girlfriends and old friends out there. James had been working up the courage to see if she wanted him to come along with her but he was worried he would be intruding.

"Yeah…" James said, getting another text from Charity with more clarification.

"Or, I mean, you could just come out there too. When is the wedding?" Lily asked.

"It's in July," James said, realisation coming over him.

"That pretty much means you have to do it, right?" Lily said with a wink.

"Shit. I… guess I'm going to New England," James said, throwing his head back as plans began to take shape in his mind.

* * *

"Two words: road trip," James said, as he stood in front of the television in the living room, Sirius and Peter seated in front of him on the sofa.

"We just went to San Francisco a couple of months ago," Sirius countered.

"I didn't!" Peter complained.

"Only because you dropped out," Sirius replied, bumping his shoulder into Pete's shoulder.

"No, no, this is different. Let me explain. I'm thinking the four of us boys rent an RV or something-"

"And cook meth?" Peter interjected, making Sirius chuckle.

"No! Hush! Listen! Lily is going to New Hampshire for the summer. Well, July, anyhow. I just found out Charity is moving out there and is getting married. Her wedding is in July. She's flying out there… I figured we could take the long way there and back," James said.

"Remus isn't going to New Hampshire. He didn't want to fly," Sirius said, having been looking forward to getting to spend time with Remus over the summer.

"So convince him to come with us. Come on! This is the sort of male-bonding shit they make movies about!" James said.

"I'm in. What else am I gonna do? I need to stop thinking about Maddy…" Peter said, still looking distraught from his breakup the night before.

"I won't go if Remus won't," Sirius said firmly.

James knelt in front of Sirius, clutching his hands in front of him.

"I understand that. He's your boyfriend," James said.

Sirius cringed briefly but it turned into a smile, feeling his face turn hot with embarrassment.

"Not exactly but… I guess. Beyond that, I won't leave him alone in this house for a month," Sirius said.

"Just… as a favor… will you ask him? Please? I really want him there," James said, seeming sincere.

Something in James Potter's hazel eyes, made it seem like he really _needed_ this. He really wanted Remus there, not just so Sirius would come too.

"OK. I'll… ask him this weekend. We're going to Cannon Beach together," Sirius said with a smile.

"Nice. Literal hot date," James said, lightly slapping Sirius on the knee and standing up.

* * *

"So what did you think?" Remus said sitting at the top of his bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, while Lily sat cross-legged on the opposite end.

"It was… amazing. Touching. Sad but hopeful. I… can't believe it's over," Lily said, feeling in a daze since finishing reading the final chapter of _Reliquary of Blood_ , minutes before.

"Really? I was worried… I thought I would be letting everyone down for not tying everything up neatly. I just didn't think it was realistic. So Steve and Bucky get to be together… but the circumstances aren't what they wanted. And people still died," Remus said.

"And isn't that how love should be? Anyhow, I'll try to finish up my Peggy and Angie fic… before too long. Busy summer ahead," Lily admitted.

"Yeah…" Remus said, looking sad.

Lily knew he wasn't looking forward to her going away for the summer… she supposed she should tell him it might be worse than he thought.

"I don't know if Sirius has said anything but… James is planning on going to New Hampshire too. I think he wants to take everyone on a road trip, well, all the guys anyhow. He said he was going to talk to Sirius and Peter earlier but I never heard how that went…" Lily said.

"I haven't heard anything. And I've been texting with Sirius almost all day," Remus frowned.

"Oh. I'm sorry," Lily said.

Remus shrugged.

"I guess it would've been nice to be invited," Remus said.

"I'm sure they will. Maybe they just think you wouldn't do it?" Lily said.

"I would go if Sirius is going. I just don't want to have to fly out there," Remus said.

"Maybe you should talk to Sirius?" Lily suggested.

Remus shook his head.

"If they want me they'll invite me. I'm not gonna impose where I'm not wanted," Remus said.

He sounded so sad that she wanted to leap across the bed to hold him. He hung his head, not revealing his emotions on his face.

"Hey," Lily said, scooting herself up the bed until she was at his feet.

Lily rubbed the side of Remus's leg.

"Yeah," Remus said.

Lily sighed.

"The final chapters were really great. I'm really proud of you," Lily said.

"Thanks," Remus said.

Remus probably wanted to cry in private. Lily frowned and slid out of the bed.

"Lemme know if you want to talk or something. Think about talking to Sirius," Lily said.

"OK. I will," Remus said, and Lily left the attic.

* * *

Lily strolled through downtown with a smile on her face as the summer sun beamed down on her, filling her with light. When she entered Molly and Arthur's, Molly was scrolling through her phone, laughing at something. Knowing her, probably a cat meme.

"Hey," Lily said as she approached the front counter.

"Lily!" Molly said, and set her phone down and came around to give Lily a hug.

"Sorry, I haven't been by," Lily said.

"It's fine. Things have been busy anyhow. Business is _really_ picking up. Tourist season!" Molly said, pulling away but leaving a hand rested on Lily's shoulder.

"That's great!" Lily said.

"So what are you up to today? Anything you need?" Molly asked.

"Nah. I'm just… out for a walk. I've been indoors a lot lately. My boyfriend is busy visiting a friend today so I just thought I would… walk around," Lily said.

"Fair enough. Say, have you visited the bookstore since it reopened?" Molly said.

"What bookstore?" Lily asked.

Molly pointed west, through the walls of the store and said, "It's around the corner. It closed a couple of a years ago. Man who owned it passed away. Cancer. His daughter has reopened it. She's Muslim! And British. Aren't British accents wonderful? They always sound so _nice_!" Molly said, scrunching her nose in a pleased fashion.

"Oh. No. Should I?" Lily asked.

"Do you like books?" Molly asked.

"Yeah. I mean… I mostly read books on my Kindle, though," Lily said, making an apologetic face.

"Oh, I love _real_ books. Especially old books," Molly said, closing her eyes and making a wistful face.

"Well, maybe I will go by there. Hey, we should hang out sometime. I could bring James over. We could all play boardgames or something," Lily said.

Molly opened her eyes and grinned.

"That sounds lovely. When were you thinking?" Molly asked.

"I don't know. I'm actually leaving town at the end of June. I won't be back until August," Lily said.

"Oh. Well, let me know. You can just text me and we'll make plans," Molly said.

"Will do. Well, it was nice seeing you. Guess I'm gonna check out that bookstore," Lily said.

They gave each other another hug and Lily stepped outside the store and turned left to head around the corner. The bookstore was on the opposite side of the alley from Molly and Arthur's.

The bricks of the shop were painted black and the large window just said Bookstore in large gold letters. Lily stepped inside and was greeted by a very friendly, big, fluffy cat.

"Well, hello, kitty," Lily said, kneeling down to rub the cat's head as it loudly purred.

As she stood back up and walked away the cat made a sad sound and ran up behind her, purring as it attempted to circle her legs.

"Well, goodness. You really are friendly," Lily said, kneeling to pet the needy kitty.

"Sorry about that. Tuvok likes making new friends," a voice from behind Lily said.

Lily turned around to see a woman with long, dark hair, dark eyes and brown skin a shade darker than her own, standing tall above her. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt that said Girls on it in big black letters. She was absolutely gorgeous.

"H-hi," Lily said, standing up to shake the woman's hand.

"Pleased to meet you," the woman said.

Her accent was very pleasant, indeed, and Lily wished she knew more about British accents so she could place where she was from.

"I'm Lily," Lily said.

"I'm Marlene," the woman replied, a smile stretching her brightly red painted lips.

Lily wasn't sure she had ever seen a woman so beautiful so instead of saying anything else she just smiled, still unconsciously shaking her hand. The woman lightly chuckled and Lily pulled away, feeling her face turn red.

"So, um, you're new here?" Lily said, suddenly finding it hard to remember whatever Molly had told her about the bookstore's new owner.

"No. I mean, the shop has been reopened for a week but I've been living in the U.S. for about six years. Since I was twenty. I moved here when my father became ill," Marlene said, frowning and making a small gulp.

"Oh, Molly told me about your father. I'm so sorry," Lily said.

Marlene nodded and quietly said, "Thank you."

Lily looked around the shop. Every inch of free space was covered in used books. Despite the shop not being all that large she felt like she could waste hours perusing all the shelves, especially with Marlene about.

"So you're English?" Lily said.

Marlene smiled and nodded.

"Actually, my father was American. He was in the military and married my mum in England. She was from Norwich. He got British citizenship. They had both turned fifty and didn't have any kids. Decided they wanted one. I was barely three when they adopted me in Iran," Marlene said, sounding like she had told the story enough times that the words had lost meaning.

Lily just nodded, unsure of what to say.

"I'm not sure what a white couple wanted with a Persian child but I'm grateful for the life they gave me. They divorced when I was fifteen. I didn't want to leave my mum… but someone needed to help my dad. And now here I am… I own a shop," Marlene said, throwing her arms open with a bitter smile.

"You could sell it, couldn't you?" Lily said.

Marlene shrugged.

"It didn't seem right. All my friends told me I was daft for taking it on. Told me I should just sell it and come home to England. But… I feel like I have unfinished business here. A purpose yet to be unfulfilled. I pray to God for guidance but…" Marlene said, shaking her head in disappointment.

"Well, whatever it is you're looking for… I hope you find it," Lily said, wanting to offer her physical comfort and just barely remembering that they met mere minutes before.

"Thank you. So, was there any thing _you_ were looking for?" Marlene inquired.

"Me? Oh uh. I don't know. My life is pretty good. I… I wish I could see my girlfriends more often," Lily said.

"I meant books," Marlene said then laughed.

"Books. Right! Books," Lily said waving a hand around, wanting to place her palm right over her face in humiliation.

"So girlfriends, what, like your mates?" Marlene asked, seeming interested.

"Umm… no, not exactly," Lily answered, never knowing how much she should reveal to a stranger.

"You're a lesbian? I hope you don't mind me asking," Marlene said.

"No. And no it's all right. I'm uh… pansexual and polyamorous," Lily said.

"How lovely. I'm gay," Marlene said, smiling and touching her chest, just about where her shirt said Girls.

"Cool," Lily said and Marlene laughed as if that wasn't the response she was used to.

"You're funny, Lily. How about I show you some books?" Marlene said.

"Sounds great," Lily said, thinking at this point Marlene could probably convince her to buy an entire thirty year old set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

* * *

Petrova was grinning like she was about to burst. Her girlfriend, Donna, laughed and shouted, "Just say it, Pet!"

"OK, OK. Donna and I are getting married," Petrova said, smiling broadly.

"Really? Congratulations! Gosh, I just found out Charity is engaged the other day. Is it contagious?" James asked, reaching across the table to hold one of each of their hands.

Petrova laughed. Petrova Porskoff had never been James's girlfriend, unlike Charity Burbage. They had been friends with benefits until she started dating Donna.

"No. Congrats to Charity. I met her one time. Did I tell you? Bumped into her at the Farmer's Market," Petrova said.

"No, you didn't tell me that. That's cool," James said.

"Yeah. I mean, I didn't know it was her. We just got to chatting and once I found out her name… I put things together. She was nice," Petrova said.

Donna elbowed Petrova.

"Ask him!" Donna growled in Petrova's ear.

Petrova groaned then said, "All right. So… I know this might seem strange but… would you… be my best man?"

"Best man? Really? I mean, I'm flattered… but surprised. You've only known me for a couple of a years," James said, remembering the particular circumstances when he woke up naked on her floor, mere feet from where they were chatting in her dining room at the moment.

"Is that a no?" Petrova asked.

"No. I mean yes. I mean… no? I'm confusing myself. Yes, I'll be your best man. I guess I just thought… you had other friends?" James asked.

"Sure. But I've drifted off from a lot of them. I don't know. I just thought about everyone I knew… Whenever I get in a relationship I tend to get tunnel vision. I only think about me and her or… whoever it is," Petrova said, leaning over to kiss Donna on a a dark-skinned cheek.

"So you thought I was… the best man for the job? Erm… literally," James said, realizing he walked right into that pun.

"Yup. So you'll do it?" Petrova said.

"Yeah. Definitely," James said.

"Awesome! The wedding is on August the fifteenth by the way," Petrova said.

"Thank god. I'm gonna be gone all July to New Hampshire," James said.

"Cool. Yay, we're gonna have the most awesome Jewish lesbian wedding ever! Donna is converting," Petrova said.

"Just between you and me, I'm an atheist. Don't tell God or anything," Donna said.

"It'll be our secret," James said.

* * *

Sirius glanced over his shoulder as James entered the house.

"Hey," James said as he removed his shoes.

"Hey. What's up?" Sirius said.

"Visited Petrova and Donna. They're getting married!" James said.

"Them too? Is it contagious?" Sirius said.

"That's what _I_ said. I guess so," James said, and came around and sat down next to Sirius on the sofa.

"So what's up with you?" James asked.

Sirius frowned.

"I spent today looking over my photos. All of them. Every single one I've ever done. I've realised something… photography is the only thing I want to do. Going to college… it's a waste of my time," Sirius said.

"Or at least go to college but take something better than history!" James said.

"No. I'm not going back to college," Sirius said with a frown.

"But dude, you're never going to have a career as a photographer here!" James laughed.

Sirius sighed.

"I know that. It's been lurking at the back of my mind for months. The new life I've built here… it's untenable. Not if I want a serious career as a photographer," Sirius said.

"Or a _Sirius_ career, am I right?" James grinned, patting Sirius on the back.

"Dammit, this is a big deal, James," Sirius said with a scowl and sideways glare.

"Right. Sorry, man," James said, the smile fading from his face as he adjusted his glasses.

"I don't know what to do. I can't tell Remus. I'll break his heart," Sirius said.

James rubbed Sirius's back.

"I mean, you're still deciding, right?" James said.

"Sort of. Or rather, I'm trying to convince myself to do what's best for myself, not what's best for my heart," Sirius said, feeling tears well up in his eyes as he wondered if there was even a difference between those two things.

"I understand. Really, I do. Do you think I don't know that I can't work on video games here? We didn't come to this town to start new lives," James said.

"But you still have money. You can do anything you want," Sirius said.

"That's not as true as you think. My parents's money will run out eventually. But it's not about the money. I love video games. I've wanted to make video games since I was eight years old. It's my dream and it can't happen here. But I've got another year of school here to figure things…" James said.

"I have… until the end of the summer. That's the deadline I'm giving myself," Sirius said.

"Everything _will_ work out," James declared.

"I hope so. Everything is so perfect… but we're young. I'll be twenty-one soon. Remus loves my photography. He tells me I should pursue it. But would he really feel that way if he knew it meant I had to leave?" Sirius said.

James didn't reply, perhaps wondering what he would say to Lily when that day inevitably came for him.

"If I'm not going to be a photographer… then who will I be? I'm not good at anything else," Sirius said.

"I'm sure that's not true. But don't worry about it right now. You've given yourself a summer. A lot can happen in three months," James said, reaching over and squeezing Sirius by the shoulders.


	2. A Perfect Moment

They parked next to a sign that said Haystack Rock Public Parking. The sky was clear and the morning sun was warm. As far as weather went, this was as nice as it got in the Pacific Northwest, at least as far as Remus could tell. It was warm but not _too warm_ , which was exactly how he liked it. It was still early and would warm up as the day went on, however. They had stayed in the nearest reasonably affordable hotel they could find the night before, since the drive was over six hours and they wanted a full day of sun.

The walk down to the beach took longer than Remus expected, passing by cafes, hotels and restaurants. At the corner leading to Haystack Rock was statue of a ship captain that Sirius insisted on taking a picture of.

"Why do they even call it Cannon Beach?" Remus asked as they stepped onto the beach.

"Something about a cannon washing up on the shore," Sirius said.

"Really? That's all?" Remus asked.

"I don't know. I looked it up on Wikipedia like a year ago," Sirius admitted with an apologetic grin.

Sirius was wearing swimwear he bought for trans guys online and he looked even more cute than usual, which was really saying something. Oceanfront wind was blowing his dark hair around in ridiculous fashion but it didn't make him look any less preternaturally elegant.

Remus felt sort of boring wearing a plain white t-shirt and old swim trunks he'd had for at least four years that barely even fit him anymore. Lily had been pushing him to get something new for a while but with his budget he really tried to keep expenses to a minimum.

Sirius also had big sunglasses that made him look like a hip celebrity. Remus had… squinting. He always regretted not having sunglasses but when he didn't need them he never thought to get them.

They walked across the sand to Haystack Rock. A few months before Sirius showed Remus the movie _The Goonies_ so he could have some context for why he thought it was cool. It featured in the opening of the movie, as did Cannon Beach itself. The rest of the movie took place and was filmed in Astoria, not too far from there. Remus liked the movie well enough, though he feel liked he lacked the context for it and would've enjoyed it more as a kid.

The rock itself was large and covered in moss just off the beach, almost appearing as if one could walk right out to it, though Remus was afraid to try.

"It's a rock," Remus observed.

"Yep. That it is," Sirius said, setting his backpack down that was filled with a couple of large towels, snacks and various other things.

Sirius quickly took his camera out of the pouch around his neck and took a picture of the rock, taking his time to try out angles as he was always looking for that perfect spot that wasn't just beautiful but also said something to him. _It's not enough to capture nature, because anyone can see nature with their eyes_ , he would say. You had to find what nature was saying to you and relate it to others.

Remus tossed off his shirt, feeling a little shy but also knowing he would be getting hot before long. Sirius then surprised him by saying, "Can I take a picture of you? _Oh_."

Sirius gulped as he turned away in apparent embarrassment.

"Yeah. Just tell me where you want me," Remus said with a smile, feeling a mixture of flattery and embarrassment.

Sirius got low and let Remus stand so that Haystack Rock was behind him, making him look apparently huge. Remus thought it was silly but it seemed to make Sirius happy.

"Cool. Thanks," Sirius said as Remus pulled out his towel and plopped down on it.

Remus was kind of wishing that they had chosen a different spot, just because it was going to be the highest traffic area and there were already people walking the beach or taking their dogs for walks around.

Sirius set his towel out and laid down, kicking his sandals off and wiggling his toes, seeming excited. He really was unbearably gorgeous, from the top of his shining hair to bottom of his toes. He had his face turned upwards and looked like a human solar panel, absorbing the sun for energy.

Remus laid back and closed his eyes, feeling the sun's heat pressing down on him. He had a faint memory of a trip he had taken with his parents to South Korea when he was six. No matter how many beaches he had went to, it was a memory of being six on a beach in South Korea that came back to him, though he remembered faint other details. They were there for some festival and to visit relatives of his father. It remained the only time he had ever left the states or had been on a airplane, though he would like to go back someday.

His parents went back last autumn but he was preoccupied with moving at the time, and admittedly the idea of riding on a plane kind of freaked him out. It wasn't the idea of being so high in the air so much as it was the idea of being trapped. He wasn't necessarily claustrophobic but he liked the idea that if he was on the ground he had freedom. If he was in a car he could just ask the driver to stop and let him out.

He was aware that the irony was that he spent most of his days locking himself up in a single room but that was still his choice. He had the freedom, even when he wasn't using it. A memory of his mom's smiling face appeared in his head, the sun glowing behind her like a halo. Remus remembered that his friends were all planning on heading out to New Hampshire this summer, and he still hadn't been invited.

Remus was incredibly jealous of the journey his friends were taking. When he had moved out west with Lily they had taken the fastest possible route across the country and squeezed it into four grueling days. According to Lily, James was stretching the trip to six days, allowing them to really take in the scenery. And he was paying for it all himself.

"Asleep?" Sirius asked.

Remus opened his eyes and looked over at Sirius, who was propped up on his hands and smiling over at Remus.

"Not exactly. I was just… thinking about stuff," Remus said.

"Me too… actually… I'm supposed to ask you about something," Sirius said.

"Oh?" Remus said, feeling himself perking up with interest.

"Yeah… James wanted me to ask if… He wanted to know if you wanted to come on a road trip with us? You see his ex-girlfriend is-"

"Yeah, I'll come," Remus said.

Sirius glared at him with surprise.

"I… haven't even explained," Sirius complained.

"I already knew. I… I thought you guys weren't going to invite me," Remus said, wiping his eyes, feeling embarrassed that he doubted his friends.

"Of course we were! I… I didn't think you would say yes so easily. I had pretty much resigned myself to saying behind with you," Sirius said with a chuckle.

"You… weren't going to go without me?" Remus said, feeling like he was on the verge of sobbing but managing to choke it back.

"Never. James would've been disappointed but… Well, anyhow I'm glad you said yes… even if it was faster than I expected," Sirius said.

"Lily told me earlier this week, actually," Remus said with a frown.

"Oh. Gosh. I bet James didn't expect that," Sirius said.

"Yeah, so I had time to think about it. When Lily and I came out here… we rushed. Sounds like you guys are taking it slow… I think I would regret it if I didn't go."

Sirius smiled and leaned over to brush Remus's cheek with the tips of his fingers. For a moment Remus thought he might lean over for a kiss but instead he pulled his hand away.

Sirius looked out at the ocean and said, "This is gonna be a great summer."

"The best summer _ever_ ," Remus said.

"Totes," Sirius said and laid back on his towel again.

Sirius's arm was draped over onto the sand, his fingers sliding around. Remus softly snickered. This was Sirius's signal that he wanted Remus to hold his hand. They were both too shy to admit the things that were happening were in fact happening but they both found the pull irresistible. Remus placed his hand on top of Sirius and clasped it, only the grit of sand between them.

Sirius's thin, pink lips curled into a smile and Remus felt his heart pound. Now he had the urge to lean over and kiss Sirius but the moment wasn't right, especially since Sirius's eyes were probably closed and he might find it quite a fright.

* * *

By noon, Remus had insisted on moving further down the beach. Sirius didn't share Remus's anxieties but was more than happy to accommodate him. Sirius Black wanted to be a good boyfriend. Oh, he knew that they hadn't really talked about what their relationship was but they both sort of knew that they both knew. They could hold hands and sit together on the sofa, watching television as one of them rested against the other. All the affection had become normal. But talking about it? The very notion terrified Sirius and he didn't really understand why.

What was to be said?

 _Oh, so I guess we're a thing now!_

 _Yep._

 _Well, glad we both agree!_

It all sounded awkward in Sirius's head. Maybe it was those lingering misgivings about romance he still had. Sometimes he was alone and his mind raced as he realized how completely swept away with the handsome fellow who lived in the attic. It seemed almost stupid if he tried to look at it objectively, almost immature. Then his phone would buzz and he would be filled with excitement as he read a text from Remus.

It didn't matter how silly he found romance, the truth was that he was pretty sure he was in love with Remus Lupin and he suspected, though it was not entirely confirmed, that Remus was in love with him too.

And of course, there was the trouble with the decision he knew he had to make this summer. He was going to have to decide whether to throw himself into a career in photography which would surely mean departing from the town they lived in. Their relationship would be over before it was even started.

"Man. This sun is murder," Remus said as he put more sunscreen on his body.

"Maybe we should get in the water. It's _right there_ after all," Sirius said, gesturing at the ocean.

Sirius remembered the first time he went to the beach as a kid. He ran into the water, only to get a mouthful of saltwater. It wasn't like swimming in a lake. Salt water tasted _terrible_. He buried the other memories of that dreaded day at the beach, much as he did most memories relating to his parents if he could help it.

"Yeah. Probably," Remus said.

There was a family playing in the water nearby, a couple of women and a few small children. Sirius smiled. It was nice to see families getting along like that. Sirius had come to realize that when life didn't give you a good family you were left with a choice to find a family or learn to cope without one.

For a time, James Potter and his parents had been Sirius's family. But then they moved away and James's parents passed away. But now… now he was starting to feel like he had a new family, a new family in a new home. If he had found a new family, was it right to up and leave them?

Remus slapped Sirius on the shoulder and said, "Coming?"

Remus's smile filled Sirius's heart with warmth and he almost believed that if Remus had just asked him to walk into hell he might've done so. Of course, _not really_ but when emotions overcame you, you sometimes said or felt things that were more extreme than the reality.

"Hell yeah," Sirius said, chasing after Remus who ran into water before they both dove in.

Sirius was loving the new swimsuit he bought. In the past he had just opted for a t-shirt, sports bra and swim trunks but it really wasn't ideal. Having a swim top with a binder built into it was a godsend and he thought he looked great, and Remus had definitely looked him over like he approved as well.

"Do you know how to swim?" Sirius asked Remus, whose honey-brown hair now looked dark-brown from the water.

"Erm. Technically. I'm not a very good swimmer. My parents took me to get lessons as a kid but… I was pretty scared," Remus said with a cringe.

"Race me?" Sirius asked.

"God. You're gonna kick my ass!" Remus said then laughed.

Sirius thought Remus's body looked pretty good for a guy who clearly didn't get a lot of exercise. He was thin but not skinny. He had known Remus long enough to know that he was stronger than he looked.

"Maybe. If it makes you feel any better I'm out of practice and pretty out of shape too," Sirius said truthfully.

"Fair enough," Remus said with a nod.

"OK, so we'll go out as far as… that rock and back," Sirius said, pointing to a particular small rock to their left off the coast.

"Damn. I might die. Glad the tide is mellow. What do I get if I somehow win?" Remus asked.

Sirius grinned and contemplated an answer. He wanted to say a _kiss_ _from me_ , but knew that would be as much a reward for himself as it was for Remus.

"One photograph. You can choose any subject or object you want me to photograph and I have to do it, no questions asked," Sirius answered proudly.

"If you win?" Remus said.

"Oh. Hmm… I guess to keep it proportional… You have to put a character based on me in your next fanfic. Doesn't have to be a big role," Sirius said.

"OK. You're on," Remus said, and they shook hands.

"OK. On your mark… get set… go!" Sirius said and they took off.

Sirius didn't pay attention to Remus. He didn't really care who won… well, maybe a little bit. He mostly thought it would be fun. Swimming was a bit like riding a bike. No matter how much time passed, he always seemed to remember how to. By the time he made it back to the beach it was obvious that Remus was lagging behind, desperately panting.

When Remus stepped back onto the sand, Sirius gave him a high five, right before Remus doubled over to catch his breath.

"Gonna be OK?" Sirius asked, affectionately rubbing Remus's back.

"Yeah. I'm… out of shape," Remus said.

Sirius felt bad even if he knew the exercise was probably good for him.

"Sorry," Sirius said.

"No. It's fine. I need more exercise. I should… start going on walks," Remus said, lifting up and smiling at Sirius.

Remus looked so stupidly beautiful at that moment, his hair wet and wild, and his full lips glistening with saltwater, that it almost pissed Sirius off. Stop being so perfect, he growled in his mind.

"I tell you what. I'll do your photograph anyway. I kinda thought you might beat me," Sirius admitted.

"Really? Why?" Remus said.

Sirius shrugged.

"I always root for the underdog, I guess," Sirius said.

"Hey, aren't _you_ the dog star?" Remus said with a grin, inching closer to Sirius's face.

"Yeah," Sirius said, his heart pounding, his mind unable to focus on much else but the close presence of Remus, his chest still heaving and his lips so appealing.

Sirius screamed at himself to _just kiss him_ but instead he turned away, afraid he was misreading things, not wanting to ruin the rest of their afternoon. Remus grabbed one of his hands and Sirius turned back towards him.

"Yeah, I'll take the photograph. I might hold the onto the favor, though," Remus said, moving even closer.

Sirius felt like he couldn't breathe. This was _really happening_. It was really happening and he might've cried if he could even have moved. Remus closed his eyes and Sirius did too. Sirius could swear that somehow the beach and ocean went silent just for them as they pressed their lips together, a perfect moment if one had ever truly existed. Remus's lips were smooth, soft, salty and ever so warm. They held in place and Sirius touched Remus's side with his free hand.

Remus pulled away and Sirius felt a tear fall from an eye, struggling to keep his emotions in check. He gulped, unable to find sufficient words to meet the moment. Sound seemed to have returned, as if the rest of reality had become unfrozen. Sirius could feel himself blushing and he looked out at the coast, which seemed infinite in the way few things could.

He looked back at Remus, who was looking down at the sand with a goofy grin on his face. Remus's eyes turned to Sirius who smiled back. Sirius knew they weren't going to talk about it. Not to each other. Sirius would tell James and Remus would tell Lily. Sirius only hoped it wouldn't be the last time. Much like every other milestone they crossed, once he had experienced it he only wanted it more and more.

And then Remus leaned up and kissed him again, Sirius letting out a happy sound to show his approval before Remus pulled away again. It was almost as if Remus was just making sure. As if he just wanted to be clear and certain that this was a new thing, a new aspect to their unspoken relationship.

"Back in the water?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said and they ran together.

* * *

After swimming and playing in the water for a while they had relaxed and enjoyed the sun for a short time before having a late lunch in a nearby cafe. The urge to remain until sunset had been strong. Remus felt like neither of them wanted the day to end. Though it wasn't ending… they still had a six plus hour drive back home.

On the other hand, while Sirius was driving they couldn't exactly kiss. Remus kept replaying the moment in his mind. It had felt so sudden and so absolutely _perfect_. He always thought his first kiss would either be awkward or overly dramatic. Instead, it simply came a moment when they were both filled with adrenaline that overcame fear. He had already taken an opportunity to text Lily to shout about how perfect it was and planned to spill more details on the ride back south.

"I just know I'm gonna be sunburned. I can feel it," Sirius said as they walked back to his car.

"It's weird. I never sunburn. Even when I don't use sunscreen," Remus said.

"Lucky," Sirius said with a grin, removing his sunglasses as he opened his car door.

Remus got inside the car and sat down.

"What do you want to listen to on the way back?" Sirius asked, as he plugged his iPod in.

"Uhhhhh. Ummm," Remus said, feeling like the sun may have cooked his brain, making him more indecisive than usual.

Sirius scrolled through artists before selecting something. A Marina & the Diamonds song quickly started playing. Sirius really liked her. Remus wasn't terribly familiar with her, he did like what he had heard.

 _Couldn't relax, couldn't sit back_

 _And let the sunlight in my lap_

 _I sang a hymn to bring me peace_

 _And then it came, a melody_

 _It felt so sweet, it felt so strong_

 _It made me feel like I belonged_

 _And all the sadness inside me_

 _Melted away like I was free_

"Ready?" Sirius said, startling Remus out of a brief trance as he listened to the softly playing song.

"To take a nap? Yeah," Remus replied with a chuckle.

 _Never thought that I could be, I could be_

 _Happy, happy_

Sirius put the car into drive, pulling out of the parking lot as Marina & the Diamonds played. They drove down the highway as the sun faded, Remus feeling happier than he had in a long time. Perhaps, happier than he ever had been.


	3. Pride

"I look stupid," Remus said, frowning at himself in the tall mirror Lily had brought into his room.

"No you don't. You look hot," Lily said, standing beside him with a smile.

Remus frowned at her and grabbed the skirt, shaking it to watch it billow.

"What if Sirius doesn't like it?" Remus said.

"Sirius will _love_ it," Lily said, rubbing Remus's back.

"When are we leaving?" Remus asked.

"Soon," Lily said, turning to head out of the attic.

"Lily?" Remus said and she stopped.

"Yes?"

"Thanks. For getting me this skirt… and… for everything. For convincing me to go this weekend," Remus said.

"No problem," she said and headed out.

Remus sighed. Pride weekend in Portland. He was excited but also terrified. He had always done whatever it took to not stand out and wearing a brightly coloured rainbow tee-shirt and tie dyed skirt to match would definitely make him standout. He had also put on some glittery nail polish but had chickened out before putting any other makeup on.

"Come on, Remus. Time to go downstairs," he whispered to himself.

He grabbed his backpack and exited the attic. When he arrived in the living room Sirius was there, looking handsome as usual as he yelled out at James and Lily from the front door.

"No, I haven't seen him," Sirius said, then turned to look behind him.

"Hi," Remus said and Sirius's eyes went wide then he turned and yelled out, "Never mind, he's here now."

"Wh-what do you think?" Remus asked, fluttering the skirt.

Sirius grinned.

"I like it. You look… cute," he said, and strode over to Remus.

Sirius placed hands on Remus's shoulders and they kissed. Oh, Remus definitely wasn't tiring of that, he thought as their lips brushed together for a heavenly moment before parting.

Sirius held Remus's chin as Remus grinned up at him. They kissed again, briefly, then headed out to James's car, hand in hand. The drive was six hours, not including any stops. But there wouldn't be much going on in Portland until that evening anyway. James and Lily were going to do the Glow Run while Remus and Sirius… did something else. Remus wasn't sure yet.

Saturday was the Trans Pride march and that was definitely the thing Sirius seemed the most excited about. Lily was going to do the Dyke march later Saturday evening and then Sunday would be the Pride parade proper. And then they would come home and start getting ready for the big trip to New Hampshire.

The ride up north featured a lot of sing alongs and ample discussion of the corporatization of Pride and it's near singular focus on cis gays and lesbians.

"I love Pride but it needs to be better," Lily said firmly.

"Yeah," James said, grinning over at her in the passenger seat.

"Oh, you don't care. You're straight!" Lily said.

"Mostly straight, sure. But I mean… I can care about things that don't affect me!" James insisted.

"Fair enough," Lily said, reaching over to rub his shoulder.

Remus and Sirius held hands for almost the entire trip. The most notable time they broke their hands apart was so that Sirius could lay his head in Remus's lap while Remus lightly stroked his beautiful hair. Remus liked this whole romance thing. It was fun. He was surprised how well Sirius was taking to it as well.

They arrived in Portland a couple of hours after noon. James and Lily got their own hotel room and Remus and Sirius got their own. Remus had never considered that he'd be spending a night in a room alone with his boyfriend so soon. But here he was, getting himself settled in while Sirius changed into his Pride clothes, which were brighter and shinier than the normal things he wore.

"You look nice," Remus said as Sirius straightened out the lapels of the shiny silver button-up shirt he was wearing.

"Thanks," Sirius said.

It was odd seeing so much of what Sirius had to go through to get ready. His hair didn't just magically look perfect like that. Remus felt silly for thinking he had overdone it with the nail polish.

Remus was reluctantly persuaded to go watch the glow run on the sidelines. It proved to be far more exciting than Remus expected, though he really couldn't see James and Lily in the dark. There was something immensely satisfying about being able to hold Sirius's hand and give him kisses without fear of judgment.

After the glow run the four of them managed to find some place to eat that was open, not completely full and that had good vegan options for Lily. James and Lily were clearly still pumped from the run. James had taken some persuading from Lily since he didn't identify as being queer but it seemed to have made a difference.

"It's really something isn't it? All of this? Pride. It's… an energy. Something about seeing all this love. It just… Ugh… it's so wonderful!" James shouted.

He seemed to be already enjoying himself more than everyone else combined and Lily was all over him, giving him kisses and cuddles while they all tried to eat.

With their bellies full they all headed back to the hotel. Remus didn't want things to be weird in their hotel room and thankfully they weren't. Sirius was comfortable enough to be around Remus without his binder on, which was probably a great relief to him. And Remus had found that being around Sirius was a great deal better than the alternative. They were in separate beds but even that amount of closeness felt special.

"Big day tomorrow," Remus said.

"Yeah. Trans Pride. Cool," Sirius said and turned off his lamp.

* * *

"Do you want to have sex?" Lily asked, falling face first onto their hotel bed, only in her panties.

"I don't think I can. My dick isn't tired but the rest of me is," James said, disappointing himself in turning down sex.

"I could definitely suck your dick, I mean _really_ ," Lily said then yawned.

"I'm cool," James said, falling back on the bed next to her.

"Bed good," Lily said.

"Yeah."

"Bed _so_ good," she continued, rolling over and shoving a pillow in her face.

Lily chuckled, muffled by the pillow. James… was thinking about Remus.

"Remus really looked cute today," James said.

"Hmm?" Lily said, clearly not hearing him.

"Nothing," James said and Lily shrugged, shoving her head back under the pillow.

James had certainly always thought Remus was nice enough looking for a guy. Maybe a little better looking than most guys. He could understand why Sirius liked him.

What was different today? What was special? Was it the skirt? No… it was something else. He closed his eyes, picturing Remus at the Glow Run, shouting and laughing. He looked… alive. Happy. Confident. Comfortable. He looked… comfortable and that made him… more attractive.

James gulped.

"Shit," he gasped.

"Hmm?" Lily said, pulling the pillow off her face again.

"Nothing. Let's get some rest," he said and gave her a kiss.

* * *

When Sirius awoke Remus was in the bathroom. When he didn't come out for a while, Sirius finally went over and knocked.

"You OK?" Sirius called out.

"Y-yeah… I just… I'll be right out," Remus replied, sounding anxious.

Moments later, Remus was exiting the bathroom. He wore bright red lipstick and blue sparkly eye makeup. He was wearing a different purple skirt and a blouse that matched.

"Woah. You're looking good," Sirius said.

Remus smiled in obvious embarrassment and looked away. Sirius was so glad Remus was here today. He realised that Remus needed this nearly as much as he did. He placed a hand on Remus's cheek then leaned down and kissed the other cheek.

"Let's head to the rally," Sirius said.

This time it was James and Lily's turn to watch them march in the Trans Pride parade. Remus was so delighted. He had never dreamed he would see Remus so animated and alive, amongst so many people.

Sirius felt an intense sense of belonging, surrounded by other trans people of all different types and stripes, coming together for a shared message and experience. Once the parade had ended and they met up with their friends again, Sirius discovered he was crying. Lily squeezed his hand, giving him a smile so bright that it almost made him sob. He hadn't known he had needed this.

* * *

Lily had first spotted Marlene McKinnon in the Trans Pride march. The fact that she was trans had barely registered on her radar after they first met, to the point that Lily had forgotten she had briefly mentioned it as Marlene showed her around the shop. She had been so exited to see her there that she called out her name, managing to catch her eye in time for a shared wave.

She texted Marlene and made sure they met up for the Dyke March.

"Hey," Lily said as she found her way to Marlene, everyone assembling for the march.

"Hey," Marlene said.

"If I would've known you were going to be at Pride we could've made plans," Lily said.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. We should make it up when we get back home," Marlene said.

"Yeah. Damn. We're all leaving to New Hampshire for the summer soon. Actually, I'm leaving next weekend. Oh! You could come to our game night. We're having a game night with the Weasleys!"

"Ohhh. That could be fun!" Marlene said.

It wouldn't exactly be a date but it would be close enough to make Lily happy. She hoped James wouldn't be jealous of her new crush. She had only lightly talked about it and so far he didn't seem bothered. She knew that a day would come when she would get a crush and there could be potential awkwardness from James but so far so good.

Lily did wish her girlfriends were with her for the march, even though she knew their feelings about Pride were even more complicated than hers. But still, she had a nice time and had successfully arranged another meeting with Miss. McKinnon.

After the march, Lily dragged James off to a dance party where she danced her feet off and flirted with cute girls. She'd almost forgotten that James was a good dancer. He was good with his body.

"I think we should go back to the hotel. For sex. I want to have sex. Can we have sex?" Lily said, leaning into his ear so that he could hear her over the music.

"Yeah. OK," James said.

"Cool. Let's go," Lily said, taking him by the hand.

Once back in the hotel room they undressed quickly and fell onto the bed in a horny, frantic heap. Lily was quickly had him inside, riding him hard until they both came. She'd had damn good day.

* * *

Remus couldn't believe their Pride experience was nearly at an end as they waited for the Portland Pride Parade. The experience that weekend had proved to be exhilarating and transformative. He was understanding things about himself.

He thought he could see a sense of that on the others as well, maybe Lily a little less because she always had a good handle on who she was. But even James seemed changed, though Remus had no idea in what way.

He did have a thought as the parade was going long, nearing two hours:

"Lily's right."

"What am I right about?" she asked.

"Pride. Look at the Parade. It's all for cis gays and lesbians. There's been greater bank representation than for trans or bi people!" Remus complained.

"Yeahhh," Lily said.

"Damn," Sirius said.

"That is pretty fucked up," James acknowledged.

"I'm not saying Pride is terrible but… Well, Lily's right. Our community deserves better. More diversity! Not just relegated to our own thing and kept out of sight. We should be united as one," Remus said, feeling himself shake with emotion.

Sirius put an arm around him, instantly making him feel more calm.

"At least _we_ can be united as one," Sirius said and to Remus's surprise, James and Lily came to either side of them, James putting an arm around Remus and Lily putting an arm around Sirius, standing there, indeed, united as one.

* * *

The drive home was the first time James'd had anytime to really think since they arrived in Portland. Since everyone was pretty partied out, the music was kept low and everyone stayed mostly quiet or asleep.

He'd felt something that weekend. It wasn't a complete feeling. It was the beginning of something. At Pride James hadn't just felt glad to see all the love. It was more than that. He felt like he _belonged_. Not only that, he had experienced for the first time in his life something extraordinary: attraction to someone who wasn't a woman.

Not just in a aesthetically appealing sort of way but in a… I like this person and want to get closer to them sort of way. Godammit, Potter, he thought. You get your first crush on a guy and it's on your best friend's boyfriend? Good job.

Normally, if James got a crush he would just pursue it but this was complicated. Remus and Sirius were new. James couldn't be certain this, whatever it was, he was feeling would stick around. Maybe it was just Pride induced hysteria bringing the bisexual out in him.

Bisexual? James privately gulped. But that was the question he wanted to ask himself, wasn't it? _Am I Bisexual_? And if so… what did it even matter? Whose business was it but his own?

Oh, but it wasn't that simple. Because to James Potter, it wasn't enough to exist quietly. He never wanted to have to hide who he was. He'd been dealing with that shit his whole goddamn life being black. He would not be quiet about who he was. If he _was_ bi then he swore to himself that he would be the loudest, proudest bi who ever lived.

But he wasn't there yet… James wasn't sure what his next step was. This was just like any other problem in his life: he needed a plan. Once they were back home James was forced to disappoint Lily when he told her he was going to sleep in his own bed.

"I"m sorry, babe. I need a night to myself. Got some things on my mind," he said.

"No worries," she said, giving him a kiss as he rushed into his room and got on his laptop.

James opened a Word document and started writing:

 _Hypothesis: I am bisexual._

James would treat this like the scientific method. He had already made it as far as the hypothesis and now he needed to test it. He quickly loaded up some porn. James had… never really seen any gay porn before and wasn't sure what to expect. The trouble was he didn't find any of the guys in the videos he kept finding all that attractive.

He finally found a video with two reasonably good looking men who seemed to actually like each other. He was able to get himself hard by touching himself but wasn't sure how into it he was. Mechanically it was sex and sex was appealing.

He gave up the porn and decided to go right to crux of the issue: Remus. He knew he might feel embarrassed later, but for the moment he was hard as a rock and jerking off thinking about his best friend's boyfriend. It wasn't difficult to get himself off like that.

He did feel a little ashamed, having gotten so worked up so quickly. On the other hand, he had came _really_ hard and the idea was… so good.

James typed again.

 _Conclusion: I am probably bisexual_

He sighed and closed his laptop, thinking he had a working theory.

* * *

A phone ringing woke Sirius up. He grabbed his cell and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Is this Sirius Black?" the voice on the other end said.

"Yeah."

"This is Michael Creevey. I'm a photographer. We met at Pride. I looked at your work. It's really something."

Sirius remembered bumping into the guy during Pride. The funny thing was that despite having his camera he kept forgetting to take pictures all day. But Creevey had approached him, making small talk after the Pride Parade. Sirius had given him his info, expecting to never hear from him. But two days later and here he was.

"Oh, thanks. Photography is my greatest passion," Sirius replied.

"How'd you like to intern with my website?"

"Oh. I… I…" Sirius stammered.

"I know you said you hadn't gone to school but… well, your work speaks for itself. Just come intern with us this fall in Portland. I'll provide room and board. If everything works out… you could stick around. If you wanted."

Sirius almost dropped his phone. When would he ever get another shot like this? But he thought of the new life he had built here. Portland was six hours away. When would he be able to see Remus? Would Lily rent out his room? He thought he should tell the man he needed time to think but he considered how long he'd had this dream and that if he asked everyone else they would almost certainly tell him to take this shot.

"All right. Let's do it," Sirius said.


	4. Marauders by Moonlight

Arthur Weasley held a cardboard game piece in his hand, studying it intently.

"Oh, come on, Arthur," Molly urged.

"I'm thinking," he replied, before finally setting it down on a far corner of the board.

It was just a monastery. The piece needed to be set down in an ideal location to be surrounded on all sides in order to be completed.

"And here's a monk," Arthur said, placing a green piece on top of it.

"That's never going to get completed, Arthur," James said with a chuckle.

Arthur shrugged.

"I'll still get a point," he insisted.

"Fair enough," James said as Molly took the bag of pieces, shook it up then reached inside.

Smiling, she quickly put down a piece that completed one of her castles, allowing her to rack up a bunch of points. The bag then went to Marlene who had definitely been giving Lily lots of flirty looks that night. Why did she have to be so pretty? Just a smile from her was enough to make Lily want to melt into a goopy puddle on the floor.

Lily liked to think she was pretty kickass at Carcassonne but she was definitely getting her ass kicked tonight. Marlene was just too damn distracting. Lily wanted to ask her out on a date… but there was no time. Tomorrow she was getting on a plane and flying back out east and wouldn't return anytime soon.

"Looks like Marlene won," Arthur said, after finishing up counting all the farms.

"Congrats," Lily said, smiling at Marlene.

"Cheers," Marlene said.

Lily had come in last place, Arthur just barely beating her for second to last place by two points.

"Another round or should we play something else?" Arthur asked.

After much debate they all agreed to just play another round, switching out expansions. After that game was complete, Molly needed to tend to the twins. Lily took the opportunity to take Marlene aside from a chat while Arthur and James chatted about soccer.

"So… It was cool seeing you at Pride," Lily said.

"Yeah. Was kinda hoping I'd meet someone there… no such luck, I'm afraid," Marlene said.

"Gosh. Lady as pretty as you… hard to see you having much trouble," Lily said with a silly grin.

Marlene blushed and laughed.

"I'm flattered you think that but… I'm trans, brown skinned and Muslim," Marlene admitted.

Lily frowned, feeling bad that she hadn't considered the extra hurdles Marlene had to endure to be accepted even as a human being. She could relate to be brown skinned woman but being Muslim and transgendered… not so much.

"I think I've also… been too internalized in my life. I keep people out. I'm kind of envious of you. You're so… full of light and energy. It's like… people are drawn to you," Marlene said, Lily blushing.

"Just how I am, I guess. Be the light you want to see in the world, I always think," Lily said.

Lily looked over at Arthur and James. There seemed to be no slow in their conversation and Molly wasn't back yet.

"So… I'd kinda like to take you out sometime?" Lily said, turning back to Marlene.

"Oh. I don't know…" she said, looking nervous.

"Oh, if you're not interested… I'm sorry," Lily said, feeling embarrassed.

"No, no. You're really cute and fun… I'm just… not poly?" Marlene said, cringing.

"That's not a problem for me. James isn't poly," Lily said.

"But you live with him. I don't know. Can I think about it? It's a risk, you know? I've had my heartbroken before. The last thing I need in my life is falling for a girl and finding out… we want different things. But I do like you. It… would be really easy to just say yes but…," Marlene said, smiling apologetically.

"That's fair. Maybe we'll talk again after I get back from New Hampshire," Lily said.

"I hope so," Marlene said with a wink.

Molly returned, nudging Arthur who stood up next to her.

"I suppose it's getting late. I just… wanted to make an announcement. I'm pregnant again!" Molly exclaimed.

"Wow. Congratulations!" Lily said.

James patted Arthur on the shoulder as if to say _Way to go, Champ_! They certainly kept busy.

"Maybe a girl this time?" Molly said.

"Good luck," Marlene said.

Shortly after, they all said their goodbyes, James and Lily getting into his car and driving home.

"I have a such a crush on Marlene, James. She's _so_ pretty," Lily groaned.

"That's fair. These things happen. You never know who you're gonna get a crush on," James said.

"It's funny. I thought you'd be more weird about me getting a crush on someone," Lily said.

"Nah. I knew what I was getting into. And it's not like I'm immune to crushes," James said, looking strangely nervous.

He had been acting odd ever since they got back from Pride. Until now Lily had been chalking it up to pre-road trip nerves but… no. This was something else.

"Oh? Met a cute girl recently? You could tell me about it, you know. It's OK if you want to date someone else. Or someones else. All the someones you want."

James coughed, clearly avoiding answering.

"What is it?" Lily probed.

"It's… complicated."

"Oh, god… is it Charity?" Lily said.

"What? No. God, no. We're just friends. And distant ones at that. And she's marrying some guy I haven't even met. No… it's more complicated than _that_ …"

"I… don't even see who it could be. You haven't mentioned anyone and we've been together for most of since school got out…"

James sighed.

"It's Remus. I… have a crush on Remus," James said, pulling into their drive way.

Lily stared at him in shock, her mouth slowly falling open as if in caught in slow motion. She cackled then clasped a hand to her mouth to stop herself. James slumped over onto the steering wheel, groaning in apparent shame.

"It's terrible, I know," James said.

"Of course, it's not. Dude, if I thought Remus was interested I would be all over that. He's hot and so sweet. You have excellent taste."

"He's dating my best friend, Lily. He's my best friend's boyfriend. How could I do this to him?" James said, sounding genuinely disappointed in himself.

"You haven't done _anything_ to him. But you should tread carefully," Lily said.

"I'm not going to tread at all. I'll just swallow it down. It's not even a big deal. It's just a stupid crush," James said.

"Is it just him?" Lily asked.

"Hmm?"

"Is this a one off crush… or do you think-"

"It's my first crush on a guy but… no. I don't think this is one off. I… I think I'm bi," James admitted, still not removing his face from the steering wheel.

"James! That's wonderful! Oh my god, I'm so proud of you!" Lily said, rubbing his back.

"Yeah. Thanks. I'm still at the part where I have a crush on my best friend's boyfriend," James said.

"That's fair. Let me give you some advice: Don't swallow it down. Make yourself feel it, even if it hurts. Feelings are _good_. They are OK. But take their feelings into account too. Maybe see how they feel about monogamy. Maybe get to know Remus better. But don't expect anything and if he tells you he's not interested… let it go."

James sighed, leaning up from the wheel.

"I feel like I should be the rock. I'm the one who is strong and has all the solutions," James said.

"That's toxic masculine bullshit, speaking. It's OK to feel things and be vulnerable," Lily said, leaning across the car and planting a kiss on his cheek, as a tear fell from a hazel eye, splashing on both their cheeks.

Lily pulled away and said, "Let's go inside. We'll snuggle up in bed and talk about our crushes."

Sirius was in the living room as they went inside. He frowned at them both and asked, "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah," Lily said, giving him a smirk as they went upstairs.

James didn't say anything.

* * *

It was strange not having Lily in the house for a couple of days, Remus thought. Even stranger was waking up on Monday morning and stepping outside to see James's freshly delivered motorhome outside as everyone loaded things into it.

James had ultimately realized that his parents had owned an RV and it was among the assets of theirs that he had never parted with. He still considered rental since he had to have the motorhome delivered from San Francisco, but if he was going to be away so long, it was for the best. They had apparently owned a couple of RVs. The nicest one he had sold but had kept the smaller one just in case.

"Gonna be epic!" James called out.

Peter Pettigrew was standing outside the door to the RV and looking glum.

"Hey, Pete," Sirius said, coming out of the RV.

"Hey," Peter replied.

"What's the matter? Been rewatching that Trump campaign announcement too many times?" Sirius said.

"God, don't even get me started on _that_ fucking guy. I'm instituting a no Donald Trump discussion rule on this RV. This is a Trump free zone," James called out.

"That's fair. At least he's got no chance to win. You can't say that shit and get elected," Remus said.

"Rule starts now! No Trump!" James repeated.

Remus mimed a zipper over his mouth and went back inside to get his suitcase and backpack. The motorhome, by James's admission, wasn't huge, though it was certainly larger than a van. There was easily enough seating.

There was only enough of a bed for two people so they would have to switch out with one extra person on the sofa and another on an air mattress each night. Remus realised that in addition to Sirius, he would also be sharing a bed with Peter and James during the trip. He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

Personally, Remus would've been fine just staying in hotel rooms but James had his vision and wasn't going to be dissuaded. Remus was the last one out of the house and had to lock the door.

"Stay safe," Remus said, feeling anxious at the prospect of no one being in the house for all those weeks.

Even poor Flitwick the cat was staying with Marlene McKinnon for the summer, after Lily couldn't bear to put him in the vet for all that time. Remus placed a hand on the door then turned towards the RV. He hauled his things inside then flopped onto the sofa.

Sirius closed the door to the RV and James started the engine.

"Hello, I'm James Potter and I'll be your captain for this flight. Please remember to be cool, have fun and dance if you feel like it," James said.

"Sure thing, Cap'n," Peter said, doing what Remus thought was a pirate voice.

"Aye aye," Remus chimed in.

Sirius sat down next to Remus, laying his head on Remus's shoulder and grasping a hand. Music started playing over the stereo system. Mariah Carey, Remus thought.

And then they were off. Day one of their planned five day trip had them arriving in Boise, Idaho that evening. James said he had some cool stops planned along the way, including one today. They could push hard and get there in three or even two days but it was the journey, not the destination that mattered.

* * *

"Mroww?" a furry face asked Lily, before licking her.

"Morning, George," Lily said then looked around Mary's bedroom.

"Where is your human?" Lily asked the cat, who instead just purred and bumped his head into her face.

"Merow!" George called out.

"That's fair," Lily said and rubbed his head.

Lily eventually got out of bed, used the bathroom then hobbled to the small kitchen of Mary's apartment where her girlfriend was cooking breakfast.

"Morning, babe. How'd you sleep?" Mary asked.

"Good. I need to check up on the boys. They should be on the road by now," Lily said, looking at her phone.

She had texts from Remus and James. Remus had sent a selfie on himself with Sirius sleeping in his lap accompanied by the message _Sleepy boy._ Lily texted back: **3**.

The night before had been Sirius's birthday and Lily had felt bad about missing it. She had promised to make it up to him and get him a special gift of some sort.

"Did you hear who got engaged?" Mary asked as she piled breakfast onto plates.

"Everyone apparently. James's ex and his old friend with benefits both got engaged recently," Lily said.

"Severus Snape," Mary said.

Lily frowned at a mention of Sev. She hadn't spoken to her former friend in over two years. Things hadn't ended well between them at all. Frankly, she was surprised he would want to get married so young.

"Weird," Lily said.

"Yeah, it's totally random. We should crash the wedding," Mary said, setting a plate down in front of Lily.

"When is it?" Lily asked.

"I don't know. Some time this summer," Mary said.

"Guess it's the season," Lily said, and started in on her pancakes.

* * *

By lunchtime it was obvious to James that something wasn't right with Peter. He was barely talking and he seemed to be more interested in playing with his food than eating it.

"You all right, Pete?" James asked.

"Huh? No, I'm fine," Peter very obviously lied.

"You don't look, fine, man. Is there something you need?" James asked.

"No, no. Really, I'm fine," he insisted.

Remus and Sirius on the other hand seemed to be enjoying themselves, though they both looked tired.

"You guys should try out the bed if you want a nap. No sense being uncomfortable on the sofa," James said to Remus and Sirius.

James couldn't bear the idea that everyone wasn't having a maximum awesome and fun time. This was his jam and he wanted all the band to be in tune.

"Will do," Sirius said.

Every time Remus and Sirius gave each other those flirty eyes, James felt a strange sense of pride and jealousy. Having a crush on Remus was ridiculous. Those two were perfect together. Why would Remus ever need anymore than that?

"So… everyone excited for the large ball of string?" James asked.

"Sure," Peter said, still not touching his food.

His first roadside attraction he had planned for was a large ball of string located in a museum near the Idaho border. He couldn't find any pictures of it online but based on similar balls of string he had high hopes.

Alas, when they arrived at the Eastern Oregon located museum, they found themselves unimpressed.

"It barely comes up to my knees," Sirius laughed.

"I mean… we all agree it's large, right?" James said with a grin.

"It's too big really. No one needs that much string," Peter said.

"Too small. I'm disappointed," Remus said.

"Well, size doesn't matter, does it, boys?" James said, elbowing Remus playfully.

The rest of the museum was all right, for whatever it was worth. It was filled with antiques and other local historical curiosities. Even still, they decided not to waste too much time there, since they still had several more hours of driving left to do.

They arrived at their RV park around nine that night. James pulled some beers out of the fridge and put on some energetic music, hoping to lift spirits a bit. Within half an hour James had downed two bottles of beer, Peter had downed three, Remus one and Sirius half of one as he wasn't that fond of drinking.

James was a little tipsy and had somehow found himself dancing shirtless to the music.

"Take me to church! I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies, I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife, offer me that deathless death, good god let me give you my life!" James sang along to Hozier while everyone laughed.

Even Peter seemed to be having a good time. James danced in front of him, almost as if intending seduction. With his hips gyrating, Peter almost seemed to be… staring at his crotch.

"Hey, baby, the eyes are here," James said winking at Peter who burst into uncontrollable fits of giggling then stood up and threw his own shirt off.

"Is this the part of the gay porno where we all slowly get naked and start fucking, telling each other how we've never done this before?" Remus asked.

Sirius gave Remus a mortified look.

"What? I'm joking," Remus said, giving Sirius a kiss on the cheek.

"Damn. Color me disappointed," James said, realizing he was only mostly joking and definitely shouldn't be flirting with his best friend's boyfriend right now.

"It's hot in here, isn't it? A/C in this thing sucks, man," Peter said.

"What if we all like… tear off our clothes and run to the lake," James said.

"What lake?" Remus asked.

"There's a lake. Didn't you see it? It's not far from here. No one will even notice," James said.

"Yeah, OK," Sirius said, surprising James given that he had still barely gotten two thirds of the way through a single beer.

"Wait. Are you sure?" James asked, not wanting to have inadvertently pressured Sirius into a situation where he wouldn't be comfortable.

"I mean, you said it's not far, right?" Sirius said, standing up.

"Definitely not. Probably not," James said.

"OK. I need to take my binder off anyhow," Sirius said.

James quickly undid his jeans, not really paying attention as everyone else undressed. He wanted to desperately avoided leering at any of his friend's bodies. Peter was the first to be fully undressed, seeming rather comfortable and proud of his nudity.

"Hey, remember what I said about those eyes, Pete," James said gesturing with two fingers between his eyes and Pete's.

"Stop flirting with Peter, James. You'll make the rest of us jealous," Sirius said, standing naked before them, his arm covering his chest but not seeming too distressed.

James turned off their music and the lights.

"James, where are you going to put your keys?" Peter asked.

"Up my ass, obviously. No, I'm going to hold them. I'll set them somewhere obvious," James said.

"We could've waited to get naked once we were at the lake," Remus pointed out, standing naked and seeming unbothered by it, neither proud nor ashamed..

James willed his eyes to remain at Remus's eye level. If he looked at Remus's cock, everyone would notice, though he was certain Peter kept glancing at it.

"Yes, I know that," James said, realizing that definitely hadn't occurred to him.

"C'mon. I'm fucking ready!" Peter said, definitely more tipsy than everyone else.

"OK. Let's do it. Haul ass! Literally," James said, as everyone piled out the door of the RV.

James quickly locked the door then ran westward away from the RV park. There was something exhilarating about running in the nude in the summer night air. As they approached the lake they could barely see anything, except for moonlight glinting off the center of water, where there wasn't any foliage covering.

James shouted at the top of his lungs ready to leap in when suddenly there was a pair of screams.

"Jesus Christ!" a woman shouted standing up and turning around to face them.

Another woman turned around to join her. They were both older, perhaps in their late-thirties. They smelled of pot and had joints in their fingers. The first woman started laughing and the other quickly joined her.

"Fuck, man. You boys scared the shit out me!" the first woman said.

"We've been set upon by nude marauders by moonlight, Tracy," the second woman said.

"Marauders. Nice. I like that," James said, rubbing his chin.

"So, out for a swim?" the first woman, apparently Tracy, said.

"Yeah. If you don't mind," James said.

"Are you kidding? Bunch of cute naked boys show up, I feel like God just opened up the floodgates," the second woman said, grinning as if it were literally Christmas morning.

James chuckled while his friends jumped in the water.

"Want to take a hit?" Tracy offered.

"Sure," James said, taking the joint from her.

The weed was good, the euphoria coming fast. He exhaled then said, "Thanks," as he handed the joint back. He jumped into the water, finally joining his friends who were laughing and joking.

"Well, it was nice meeting you boys. Too bad our husbands aren't over there at the park waiting for us. We could have some _fun_ ," Tracy said with a wink.

"I'm flattered," James said, returning the wink.

"This feels good," Remus said.

"Yeah. Male bonding shit," Sirius said.

"This is a sacred moment. The four of us have a bond now," James said, bumping fists with them all.

"We're the nude marauders!" Peter said.

"Just shorten it to marauders. One word. Clean and simple," James said.

"Now we just need matching tattoos on our asses," Sirius said.

"What? Where no one can see it? Hell no. I'll get that shit right here," James said, clutching his bicep.

"We should really do it. Imagine what Lily would say," Peter giggled.

Just then James heard a police siren.

"Shit!" James said.

"Is that for us?" Sirius shrieked.

"I don't know. There are lights at the RV park. Maybe we should lay low," James said.

"Fuck that. I'm running," Peter said, dashing out of the lake and heading off into the darkness.

"Pete!" James called out.

"Well, shit," Sirius said.

"I'll get him," Remus said, and climbed out of the lake, moonlight shining off his ass, illuminating all of its perfection.

Sirius nudged James who was transfixed on Remus's ass. Remus dashed off as James turned to James with an embarrassed shrug.

"It was there. C'mon, like you haven't checked out my ass before," James said.

"You didn't check out my ass," Sirius complained.

"I haven't had a chance!" James countered.

"That's fair," Sirius said, chuckling.

Moments later Remus silently marched Peter back to them. The police lights seemed to have disappeared from the RV park.

"Well, guess we dodged a bullet there," James said, climbing out of the lake.

"Yeah," Remus said.

James leaned against the nearest tree. Someone had carved a cross into it with the words Jesus is Love underneath it. James smiled and looked around at his friends. His co-marauders. This had been a great night.

"Time for bed, boys. This trip is only getting started," James said with pride.


	5. Calling All Occupants

A summer wind blew through Lily's hair as she and Mary sat alone on a park bench in Lily's hometown, the spot where they first kissed all those years ago. It was still early out and there were only a few older people out for walks right now.

Mary asked her the night before if they could come here today for an important conversation. Lily had been dreading this moment. They were breaking up. She was almost certain of it.

"So what's up, chicken butt?" Lily asked.

Mary chuckled and shook her head.

"You're such a dork," Mary said.

"C'mon. The suspense is killing me," Lily said.

"I just… don't know where to begin. I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am. I'm twenty-one. Almost twenty-two. You ever feel like… you think you have yourself figured out and then… Bam! You wake up and you realize you aren't who you thought you were?" Mary said.

"No. Not exactly. I think life is about finding out who we are, though."

"Since you've been gone… I've missed you. I always thought I was a wanderer, that I just wanted to travel and disappear. Sleep around and never stay too long. But while you were gone… I've just wanted to be near you. Every minute."

"Aww," Lily said, and leaned over the stone table to give Mary a kiss.

Mary chuckled as Lily pulled away.

"I'm… thinking I need a life change. Dorcas and I… we've been drifting apart. I think you were the glue holding us together. I love her and I know she loves me but… things are different. Dorcas never wants to leave here and I just… don't see the rest of my life in New Hampshire."

"Where do you see it?"

"I don't know. Portland. Maybe Seattle. Somewhere closer to you. I need you in my life," Mary said, reaching over and placing a brown hand on Lily's face.

"You're welcome to live with me. I'll make space for you. Might have to talk to James about the living arrangement. He's probably going to move into my room. I… didn't really plan for having more than one partner under my roof," Lily said.

"We can figure that out. It would only be temporary. I want to live near a city. I want to be near lots of queer people. I want that thing that Pride makes _you_ feel. That sense of belonging. I don't belong here."

"You'll always belong here," Lily said, touching the center of her chest.

"Such a fuckin' sap," Mary said, leaning over for another kiss.

"You know you love it," Lily said, giggling.

"Ya got me. Listen… there's something else. Shit, man, I haven't even told Dorcas. But… like I said, we've been growing distant."

"I'm all ears."

"I've been thinking a lot… for a while. For years, but especially the last year. I met some people… Fuck, why is this so hard?" Mary said, ruffling her short brain hair with her hands.

"Just take your time. No judgment me from me," Lily said.

Mary exhaled.

"This is so fuckin' stupid, man. I'm a grown up. I should've figured this shit out already," Mary said with a sigh.

"Remus is the same age and he's still figuring himself out. You saw the pictures of him in a skirt? I'm not sure where he stands right now but he's definitely rethinking who he is at his own pace."

"Yeah, that's the thing. I… think. No… I know. I know I'm…"

Mary looked like she was trying to push a boulder up a hill, afraid if she pushed too hard it might roll back over her.

"Sweetie, it's OK," Lily said, placing a hand over hers and squeezing.

"I'm… trans. I'm… a man," Mary said.

Lily almost climbed over the table to give Mary a tight hug.

"Oh shit. You're squeezing the life out of me," Mary laughed.

"I'm _so_ proud of you," Lily said.

"For what. I haven't done anything," Mary said.

"You came out to your girlfriend. That's not nothing," Lily said.

"Right," Mary said as Lily pulled away.

"You're gonna have to come out to your other one, you know," Lily said.

"Yeah. I know… Listen, I know you probably have a ton of questions. Pronouns… He/him is cool but I'll understand if you slip up. Obviously, I want a different name but I don't know what yet so Mary is still cool. I'm gonna get on hormones and I'm not thinking about any surgery or anything," Mary said.

"Understood," Lily said, desperately wanting to make out with Mary right now but remembering they were in public.

"Dorcas will be home tonight. I guess… we'll all get together. See where things are."

"Yeah."

"So what about you, Lils? Do you really want to spend the rest of your days in a resort town? What do you want to do with your life? Not to put you on the spot, babe," Mary said.

Lily sighed.

"I don't know. Everything seems so magical and perfect. I just try not to think about it. But they'll have to leave," Lily said, suddenly feeling very sad and looking down at her hands, gathered in her lap.

"Who?" Mary asked.

"James and Sirius. They weren't even supposed to be in town for so long. Sirius wants to be a photographer and he's so damn good at it. He can't have a future down there. Same with James. He's going to work on video games. He can't do that there either. This whole thing… it was just meant to be an easy going life change. I wasn't expecting to fall in love and build… build a family."

Lily could feel emotions overwhelming her. She urged herself to let go and cry. As the tears fell, Mary came around to her side of the table, wrapping his arms around her.

"It's OK. Let it out," Mary said, holding Lily close as she sobbed on his shoulder.

Lily wiped at her eyes and pulled away, sniffling and sighing.

"I'm OK. I'm OK. I just… I've been trying so hard not to think about it," Lily said.

"Change is hard. But change is good. We're young. We'll bounce back. We cope. I think you shouldn't think about what _they_ want to do. What do _you_ want to do?" Mary asked.

"I want… to express myself. I wish… I could do sex work but… in a way that people would appreciate artistically?" Lily said, chuckling awkwardly.

"Babe, you are definitely an artist when it comes to that shit," Mary said, giving Lily a kiss on the cheek.

"I need to know more people interested in that sort of thing. I could start my own company. Make… I don't know. Artsy queer porn. I'm tired of just fucking myself on camera. I want to touch and feel real people."

"Might be hard where you are," Mary said.

"I know. I _know_. But I don't know what to do. I have so many people I love and I want to do what's best for all of those relationships. What if one of them moves to Seattle, the other to back to San Francisco. What if I have to make Remus choose between me and Sirius? I'm afraid he'll follow me anywhere. God, why is everything so hard?" Lily said, tears falling down her face.

"You'll get through this. You'll figure it out. I'll be there. James will be there. Remus will be there. Sirius will be there. Maybe even Dorcas will be there. Have faith," Mary said.

"Thanks. Can we go home? Maybe make out and fool around?" Lily said.

"You got it," Mary said, giving Lily his best playful grin.

* * *

Sirius sat staring out the window as America flew by. Remus was asleep, head in his lap. Peter was still sleeping in bed, right where James had left him. Tonight he and Remus would share the bed and Sirius was nervous. They had shared a hotel room during Pride but… this was different. It was a decent sized bed but they couldn't avoid touching and the truth is when they were in close proximity they tended to move together like magnets.

But there was still a long time before that point. Soon they would pass through Salt Lake City on their way to Wyoming. If they didn't have twelve hours to cover they might have, perhaps, stopped there but instead they were going to go a bit further before stopping for a meal.

James had been playing Beyonce over the sound system all day, singing along to almost every song. He admired the life James was bringing to this whole experience. James had always been a bit of an instigator but Sirius thought he'd picked up a little of Lily's lust for life as well.

Sirius still couldn't believe he had been inspired to run naked to the lake and even more than that he couldn't believe he had been fine with it. It wasn't traumatic, though it easily could've been. None of his friends leered at his body or did anything to make him feel weird. And Remus… well, Remus always stared at his face and that was nothing new.

Everyone was a little worried about Peter. Since his breakup with Maddy… he hadn't been the same. When he was about he was on his phone a lot, seeming perpetually distracted.

After they moved past Salt Lake City they moved into Wyoming and headed for their first special stop of the day: the Greater Green River Intergalactic Spaceport. According to Google, the Spaceport was rechristened in the nineties when local residents believed visitors from Jupiter might be coming to Earth.

The drive out to the spaceport was long and boring. Wyoming seemed pretty lifeless, even in summer. To everyone's surprise the spaceport was entirely empty and unattended to. Just a giant landing strip in the middle of nowhere. He supposed if any visitors did arrive they would be happy for the extra parking space.

"Do you guys believe in aliens?" James asked as they stood before the huge landing strip.

"I don't think it's an issue of believing or not believing. There's probably some sort of life out there. It's a big universe," James said.

"I think we've definitely been visited. Definitely. Did you guys ever see that alien autopsy show? Chilled me to my core," Peter said.

"Yeah. That was creepy," James replied.

Sirius glanced at Remus, hoping he wouldn't agree with them.

"I didn't see that. But… I don't believe we've been visited. The distance to travel to here to say from the the nearest star for instance would take tens of thousands of years. That's a long time to see something in the sky. And that's if they never stop. But they would need to get energy somehow. It doesn't matter how advanced they are, they are still subject to the normal laws of physics. Which means they need energy. A constant source of it! Enough to travel for tens of thousands of years. And… imagine that was you. Imagine you traveled tens of thousands of years, worked miracles to have enough energy to do it and then you, what, come sneaking around and sticking probes up people's asses? I don't get it. It stretches plausibility!" Remus ranted, everyone staring at him with wide eyes.

"Same," Sirius finally said, giving Remus a grin as he exhaled.

"Well. Yeah…" James said.

"So what you're saying, Remus, if I understand, is that if the aliens come… it'll be an invasion?" Peter said, looking genuinely worried.

Remus sighed.

"I see lots of people saying what they think aliens would be like. Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks we'll have to explain to aliens why we're not vegan. Which makes no sense. For all we know any visitors capable of making it here would be cannibals or something. But fine. I'll toss my prediction into the ring: I think if any aliens that advanced come here, they'll probably strip-mine our planet for resources without even looking twice at us, and they won't be secretive about it. We're ants."

"You ants ready to go?" James said.

Everyone grumbled in the affirmative.

Their next destination was closer to Cheyenne where they would be staying for the night. It was cabin entirely made of dinosaur bones. It wasn't open but they were still able to take pictures around it before moving on to Cheyenne.

* * *

"That's wonderful!" Dorcas said, giving Mary a hug, having just heard his revelation about being trans.

"Thanks. I'm sorry I haven't said anything," Mary said.

"No, it's fine! I know I've been distant lately," Dorcas said, adjusting her glasses as she sat back on her sofa.

"Yeah… about that…" Mary said.

"Oh boy," Dorcas said with a sigh.

Lily was grateful to not be between her partners at this moment even though the conversation that was about to occur affected her too.

"I think it's time for us to all…I guess, check in, ya know? See where we all stand with each other," Mary said.

"I'm still good if you're all good," Dorcas said, looking worried.

"I think that we're having this conversation shows that maybe things aren't all good?" Mary said.

Dorcas frowned and looked down.

"No one is upset at anyone. I can't speak for Lily, but… I feel like we're drifting apart, Dorc. Are we?" Mary said.

"Maybe. But… there's no reason. Nothing has changed," Dorcas said.

"Or maybe it has. Or maybe we're just getting older. Either way… I'm going to move out west. I'll live with Lily for a bit until I figure out my next move," Mary admitted, seeming regretful.

"Oh," Dorcas said sadly.

"You're welcome to come too. We could be one big family… at least… well, until… I don't know," Lily said, remembering that her newly crafted family might be on shaky ground.

"Guys… my whole life has been in New Hampshire. I've lived in this town since I was born. You asked me last year and I said no… I think I'm still a no. I'm sorry," Dorcas said.

Lily was disappointed but she expected that reply.

"I understand," Lily replied.

"Me too," Mary said, rubbing Dorcas's arm.

"Where does that leave us? Is there an us anymore?" Dorcas said.

"I don't know. Does it have to end? None of us are planning on becoming monogamous, I assume?" Mary asked.

"No," Dorcas said.

"Then why does there need to be an ending. We can just accept that this part of our lives is over. I'll always love you, though," Mary said, his voice choking.

"I'll love you too," Dorcas and said their mouths were on each other.

"I am also still in love with you both," Lily declared and they both tackled her.

* * *

"I can't believe we're not drunk and running around naked," Remus said as he fluffed up his pillow next to Sirius in the bed of the motorhome.

The lights were out and the shades were drawn. Almost nothing in the bed area was visible. James and Peter were already snoring in the other part of the RV, James on the sofa and Peter on an air mattress.

"Shame. I didn't mind checking out your cute butt," Sirius said and Remus chuckled.

"Your butt is cute too," Remus said.

"Thanks," Sirius replied and Remus turned, planting his lips on Sirius's.

Sirius adjusted his body, feeling excited as the kiss lingered, their hands beginning to seek places on one another's bodies to rest on. Sirius trembled but didn't waver from his position.

It felt like they held steady for an age, hands roaming and lips gliding. Remus's hand was on Sirius's hip, clutching his thigh as he felt that warm sensation in the pit of his stomach, all the blood rushing down below. He moaned into Remus's mouth, clenching his thighs as his legs rubbed together. Remus turned his body, pressing himself against Sirius. Sirius also turned, draping a leg over Remus's, desperately wanting to move closer.

Remus's hand gripped his ass as Sirius's mouth found Remus's neck. It was funny how easily this happened. They were making out like it was just a thing they did. But they never had before.

Sirius was definitely wet. Very wet, in fact. He wanted to urge Remus to touch him there. It would be so easy for Remus to slide a hand in his pyjamas, finding the place where where he ached and throbbed with desperate longing. But their friends were so close.

"Remus… we can't, can we?" Sirius whispered.

"Probably not. Not the right time. Shit," he said, and rolled away.

"Fuck," Sirius grunted, the full brunt of his arousal hitting him, thinking he needed a change of underwear.

"Yeah," Remus echoed.

"Are you as horny as I am?" Sirius asked.

"Probably."

"Do you want to… take care of it?" Sirius asked.

"Usually. I guess I can go to the bathroom," Remus said.

"You don't have to. We could… just… umm… I'm OK to just touch myself here. It won't be comfortable in the bathroom. I can't very well ask you to go away, can I?" Sirius said.

"Yeah. OK. Is there Kleenex?" Remus asked.

Sirius searched around, knowing he saw the box somewhere. He finally grasped it and handed it over to Remus.

"Thanks," Remus said and Sirius saw him pull his pyjama bottoms down, the light through the shades briefly glinting off his erection.

Sirius slid his hand into his pyjamas, his fingers quickly finding his large, swollen clit, stroking it urgently while he listened to the grunts of pleasure his boyfriend made, and the sounds of skin on skin from his desperate strokes.

Sirius slid fingers down to his hole, dragging his ample wetness back to his clit. He realized he was enjoying himself so much at this moment that he didn't care if James or Peter heard something, though he was certainly making an effort to be quiet anyway.

"Ugh. I wanna come so bad," Remus moaned.

"Do it. Beats jerking off in the shower, doesn't it?" Sirius said.

"Yeah," Remus replied, sounding on the verge.

"Wish I had my vibrator," Sirius said.

"That's fair," Remus said.

Sirius was surprised how long Remus held on, sounding perpetually on the edge.

"Can't you come," Sirius said, almost to that point himself.

"Yeah. I'm waiting for you. I want to hear you come," Remus said.

"Aww. OK. I'm almost there," Sirius said, his fingers working his clit hard.

"Nice," Remus said, breathing hard.

Sirius looked over at Remus, wishing he could see more than faint outlines of his face and his movement. His legs clenched and he whimpered as his orgasm hit.

"Fuck," Remus grunted, his mouth letting out twisted moans of pleasure.

Hearing Remus come, sent Sirius over another peak, squirming against the sheets as he shuddered. And then they went silent aside from the breathing.

"I made a mess," Remus said, sounds of wiping with tissue audible.

"Yeah. Me too. But I'm so tired," Sirius said.

As Remus cleaned up, Sirius found it difficult to remain awake. His fingers felt sticky but he thought he could wait until the morning.

"That really happened," Remus said.

"Yeah," Sirius said.

"I always thought… we'd talk about it. It would be… I don't know. I mean it was nice. Just…" Remus trailed off.

"I got ya. I liked it," Sirius said.

"Me too," Remus said, leaning over for a kiss which reached as soon as their faces could align.

Remus got out of bed and headed to the bathroom, coming back out after a minute or two. Sirius was barely conscious as his boyfriend slid back into bed next to him.

"Attempting sleep, 2.0," Sirius mumbled and everything began to fade.


	6. Breakdown

Lily was alone. No. Not alone. They were here too. She knelt down, in front of them, her eyes wet as she read the engravings on their tombstones. Rose and Harlow Evans, both dead within a few short years.

Her mother had been the hardest. It was hardly over two years before. It had come out of nowhere. She was just a little sick. But pneumonia had a way of sneaking up on you. Then she was gone.

And then the mess with Sev happened, as if things weren't bad enough. Her good friend Severus was there for her after her mother died. She had long suspected he was in love with her even though he maintained that wasn't the case. In a moment of weakness, she slept with him. He then changed when she didn't magically feel exactly the way he did. He wanted her to give up everything that she was and be with him.

Now he was getting married. She wondered who she was. She hoped, for both their sakes, that whoever she was, she really cared for him in the same way. She hoped that he had grown up some. Severus had a great deal of potential. He was great with computers. He could probably make a great engineer if he applied himself.

She looked at her parents graves. She had allowed herself to get distracted, forgetting why she was really there.

She wished her mother had been able to go back to Puerto Rico one last time before she died. Lily hoped to be able to go there herself someday. Maybe James would want to go. Maybe James would move away and they would break up. Dammit, she wasn't going to think about that today. She was setting aside today for _them_.

"I miss you," Lily said and started to cry.

* * *

The drive on Wednesday was a long one, sending them across Nebraska, Iowa and part of Illinois. When James got up Remus and Sirius were both already up, having showered and looking tired as they ate cereal.

Peter sat up front in the passenger seat as James drove across Nebraska, seeming talkative.

"I'm sorry I've seemed so down. This Maddy thing… really got to me. She… made me believe she wanted me," Peter said.

"Feel free to vent. I'm all ears," James said, turning the music down a little.

"I knew it was bullshit. I knew a girl that hot would never like me. But she said I was sweet. She said I was good in bed and told me how big my… Well, anyhow we had a good time. And she seemed to really like me. Then she would just… not call me for a week. She wouldn't say anything. She wouldn't respond to any calls or texts. And then she'd be back. Like nothing happened."

"That sucks man," James said.

"But she started to get mean as time went on. Saying… nasty things about me," Peter said.

"What sort of things?"

"Like… that I'm stupid. Or ugly. Or fat," Peter said.

"You're not fat!" James said, thinking he was a bit stocky but that was it.

"Who cares if I am? She had no right! But… I just took it. She would apologize and blame it on… whatever. Anything and everything. And then things would go fine for a while. Until she broke up with me. Like I said… no were just done. She'd… gotten whatever it was she wanted."

"Well, fuck her. You deserve better," James said.

"I'll never get with a girl as pretty as that again," Peter said lamented.

"Looks aren't everything, man. In my experience, the more you get to know someone the more beautiful they become. When I look at Lily… it's indescribable. I don't know how good looking she is or isn't but… she's the brightest thing in the universe," James said.

"Not to be weird, but I think she's pretty hot. Don't hit me?" Peter said, cringing.

James laughed.

"Relax, man. You know I'm not like that."

"True."

"You still excited about our tattoos? Have you figured out what you want?" James asked.

"Yeah, I have actually. I want a rat," Peter said.

"A rat? Why a fuckin' rat?" James said, glancing at Peter skeptically.

"Hey, I happen to like rats! They are good, sweet pets. Very smart. Don't live so long but… Anyhow, when I was twelve… my mom got me this stupid haircut with a rat tail. Kids called me Wormtail to make fun of me. But I kind of embraced it, even though I hated the haircut," Peter said.

"I got you, I got you. Embrace the weapon and make it your own. I dig it," James said.

"Yeah. That's what I did. I think I have some of the rat in me," Peter said.

"I think you're more like a teddy bear, personally," James said with a wink.

"Fuck off," Peter laughed.

"I don't meant it as an insult, Pete."

"Oh. Well… thanks," Peter said, grinning as the drive carried on.

In Omaha they stopped for food and to get their tattoos, having made an appointment in advanced. Peter got his rat, Remus got a wolf, Sirius got a big black dog and James… had found himself at a loss.

They had all settled on getting their animals with the banner that read Marauders underneath it but… James didn't really relate to any animal in particular.

But then he remembered this old wood carving his parents had of a massive stag. He had loved that thing but his mother hated it. He also remembered Lily having mentioned a fondness for deer. That settled it. A stag it was.

"Cool," Peter said with a grin.

"Yeah," James said as the four of them stood in a circle, their shirt sleeves lifted up to see their matching tattoos.

Four different artists had done them but thanks to setting them up in advance they came out looking pretty similar.

"Marauders," Remus said firmly.

"Hell, yeah," James said and they all traded fist bumps.

* * *

"I don't think we're going to make it to that Wheels O' Time Museum in Peoria before it closes," Sirius said.

"Actually, it already closed. Sorry," James called out.

"Ah well. It's been a long day," Remus said.

"Where's Pete?" James called.

"He's in the bedroom. On the phone," Sirius said.

"Didn't he already call his mom yesterday?" James said.

"It doesn't sound like he's talking to her," Sirius said.

A short while later Peter left the the bedroom cabin and Remus watched as came up to the front, taking his place next to James.

"Hey, Pete," James said.

"Hey."

"The guys say you were on the phone?" James asked, though Remus thought it wasn't any of his business.

"Yeah. I… got a call from Maddy," Peter said.

"Did you? Did you tell her off?" James said.

"No. I think we're getting back together," Peter said.

"What?" James said, sounding angry.

"You're joking, right? This is a joke. C'mon, man. Don't let her play with you like this!" James said.

Just then Peter's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and said, "It's Maddy." James yanked the phone from Peter's hands and made a motion that looked like he had tossed it out the window.

"What the fuck? What the _fuck_? You stupid son of a bitch," Peter shrieked, diving on James.

"Get off, Pete. I'm driving!" James growled.

"Fuck you! Fuck you, James! That was my _goddamn_ phone. It's _my_ goddamn life, you sack of shit!" Peter screamed, tears streaming down his face as he swatted at James.

"Get the fuck off, Pete! Let me pull over, I don't want to fucking wreck," James said.

James pulled the RV over and Peter strode back to the kitchen area where Remus and Sirius sat as James marched up to him.

"That… that wasn't cool, man. How could you _do_ that? I can't afford to replace it!" Peter squealed.

"I'll get you a new phone. A better phone. I promise," James said, looking genuinely regretful.

"Fuck you," Peter said, shoving James.

James shoved back and Peter stumbled, falling to the floor.

"Ow! You asshole," Peter said, grabbing his back.

"I'm with, Pete, James. That wasn't cool. We should go look for it," Sirius said.

"I concur," Remus said, the atmosphere making him him anxious.

James sighed.

"You're right. Yeah. OK. Let's go look for it," James said.

They waited for clear traffic then ran across to the other side of the highway. Luckily there was still some daylight, though not a lot. Sirius and Peter went further south while James and Remus stayed further north.

"Am I a prick?" James asked.

"No. I don't think so. But… you shouldn't've done that. If Peter wants some lady to keep treating him like shit, that's his business," Remus said.

"But… that sucks? I've known Pete for a few years. He's a good guy. He's always so lonely. There's nothing I won't do for the ones I love," James said.

James had somehow chosen the most nondescript location to toss a small phone out onto. All of the foliage looked the same and the land was flat.

"I get that. You went too far though. Peter respects you. You have the rest of the summer to talk to him about his problem. You should encourage him that he has value," Remus said.

"Yeah. I know."

"What's that?" Remus said, spotting something small and black underneath a bush.

The two men crouched down as Remus swatted away dirt until he had revealed what turned out to be an old tape recorder, the sort you would carry around and hold to your mouth, with a tape still in it.

"Weird," James said, taking the tape recorder from Remus.

For a moment, Remus noticed something funny. There was… something about the way James kept looking at him. And he seemed to be moving closer as he examined the tape recorder.

"This thing is filled with dirt. Doubt the tape plays. Hope there was nothing important on it," James said, setting it down.

"Yeah," Remus said, still distracted by James's proximity.

"Anyhow… I'm sorry. About… that," James said, nudging his head back towards the RV.

"Don't apologize to me. Peter's the one owed your apology," Remus pointed out.

"Yeah. I just mean… I know things make you nervous. I'm sorry if it was upsetting," James said, reaching over and placing a hand on Remus's shoulder.

James was definitely giving him _the eyes_. He was licking his lips. If Remus didn't know better he thought James might try to kiss him. Surely, he was imagining things.

"Any luck?" Sirius called out.

"Nope," James said and quickly stood up.

"Nah," Remus said.

"I'm sorry, Pete," James said and walked over to him.

"I forgive you. I'm still pissed, but I'll forgive you," Peter said.

"I'll make it up to you. New phone tomorrow. And you can… call whoever you want on it and I won't say a word," James said.

"You aren't wrong. About Maddy. I shouldn't get back together with her. I'll call her tomorrow… I won't tell her to fuck off. But… I will tell her I'm… not interested anymore," Peter said.

James just nodded.

"Anything else you want. You can hit me if you want," James said, patting his cheek.

"What the fuck, dude? I'm not gonna hit you," Peter said, looking perplexed.

"No, really. It's cool. You can hit me. I won't hit you back," James said.

"Is this fuckin' Fight Club all of a sudden? I'm not going to hit you," Peter said.

James sighed and nodded.

"All right. Let's get moving," James said and they all made their way back to the RV.

Everyone piled back in and got comfortable. James sat down and and tried to start the car. It took Remus a moment to register that it wasn't starting.

"Uhhh… Guyyyss. Houston, we have a problem," James said.

"Oh god," Peter said.

"Guys, the car won't start. Fuck," James said.

"Balls," Remus said.

"Big ones," Sirius chimed in.

A couple of hours later and Remus, Sirius and Peter were standing behind the RV while James talked to the tow truck driver up front, who had been attempting to get the car starting again to no avail.

James came around back looking very disappointed.

"Bad news guys. They can fix it but… they need a part. It has to be special ordered. It'll take a couple of days for them to get it," James said.

"So… what happens now?" Sirius said.

"He'll tow us to Peoria. I'll get us a rental car for the next couple of days… and a hotel. Then we wait for the car to get fixed," James said.

"Well… at least Peoria seems like it'll be nice. There are probably worse places to get stuck," Sirius said.

"Like Wyoming. What was with that place?" Peter said.

* * *

"All of the sudden everyone is talking about Donald Trump," Lily complained.

"Right?" Dorcas said, sitting naked in bed next to Lily and playing her 3DS.

"Fuck that guy. They shouldn't be taking him so seriously. He's a joke. And a racist," Lily said as her phone chimed.

James was late tonight to text her and she had been worried. She was grateful to hear from him.

 _I'm an asshole. Everything is terrible :(_

 **Oh no :(**

Lily frowned at her phone, waiting for explanation.

 _The RV broke down. We're stuck in Peoria for two days!_

 **What's it like?**

 _Seems nice. We're going to look at that Wheels O' Time museum tomorrow._

 **Cool.**

 _Anyhow… there's more. I sort of tossed Peter's phone out the window while I was driving._

 **WHAT?**

 _I know… I know. That wasn't cool._

 **TO SAY THE LEAST, JAMES POTTER!**

 _It's a long story. It was just an impulse._

 _That girl just keeps playing with him. I couldn't take it._

Lily groaned.

"What's up?" Dorcas asked.

"About to lecture my boyfriend on not meddling in people's personal lives and not destroying their personal property," Lily said, texting furiously.

"Yikes," Dorcas said.

"Yeah. I liked it better when they were running around naked and getting matching tattoos," Lily said.

"That's fair," Dorcas said.

* * *

The next day was Peter Pettigrew Day in Peoria as far as James was concerned. He took him anywhere and everywhere he wanted to go and bought him a shiny new iPhone.

In mid-afternoon they went to the Wheels O' Time Museum which was a bigger and more interesting version of the museum they had gone to back in Oregon, though they had no ball of string.

James was surprised by how fast the day flew by. But by the time they were back in the hotel James realized he was missing Lily terribly. He'd been so busy having fun that he hadn't stopped to think about it.

"Three more days," James told himself as plugged his phone in and attempted to get to sleep.

He had hoped the next day that they would have the RV repaired sooner than expected but instead it wasn't until that evening when he got the call. With nothing else to do that evening, the four of them went to see Jurassic World, which had just come out.

"That sucked," Sirius said.

"I loved it!" Peter said.

"It was all right," James said.

"I just don't understand why the dinosaurs didn't eat them all," Remus said.

"That sounds like a downer," James said.

"Yeah, but no one in that movie was likable. It's like… in the original film all the asshole characters get killed while the likable ones mostly live. But in this one… all the main characters are kind of assholes. Like am I the only one who thought the main lady was the villain at first?" Remus said.

"Yeah, I did," Sirius admitted.

"Me too, actually," Peter said.

"Right? But she's not. We're meant to like her and Chris Pratt. And I mean, Chris Pratt is great. He was hilarious on Parks and Rec and Star-Lord is awesome but his character in this? Meh," Remus said.

"Sirius, I didn't realize your boyfriend was a film snob," James said, nudging Remus playfully with an elbow.

"I'm not! I just know what I like and it wasn't that," Remus said.

"Fair enough. Let's go get some rest. Tomorrow the trip continues!" James shouted and they all cheered.


	7. Secret Fantasies

"Hey, Remus," James said as Remus came up to the passenger seat and sat down.

"Hey," he said.

"Hanging in there?" James asked.

"I'm fine. Peter and Sirius are asleep," Remus replied.

"Wow. Those lazy shits! Didn't they sleep well enough in the hotel?"

Remus shrugged.

"I guess not. Maybe we're just all a bit tired. When Lily and I traveled out to Oregon I remember really be glad when it was over. I mean, we did it pretty fast though. We didn't stop for anything but food and sleep," Remus said.

"I love road trips. You gotta get out and see America. You can't really understand it until you've seen it. Not really," James said.

"That's fair. I've had a nice time. I'm looking forward to being… well, not home. But my old home. I've gotta work on my best excuses for being so poor at staying in contact with my mom and dad," Remus said.

"Strained relationship?"

"Nah. It's… just kind of how my family is. Especially my mom's half. I think I've always struggled with keeping people in my life when I'm not around them. It's funny… I used to see Lily's partners all the time. They were an almost every day part of my life. But… I haven't seen them or spoken to them at all since I moved. I… don't know how to maintain those connections," Remus admitted.

James wasn't sure what to say. He knew that people could drift out of your lives but he usually preferred maintaining connections if he could. But he didn't want to sound like he was judging Remus because he couldn't really relate.

"That's a bummer, man," James said.

"Yeah. I feel guilty but… I don't know how to be different. It's just… so easy. Does that make me terrible?" Remus asked.

"I don't think so. You seem like a good guy with a soft heart," James said.

Remus chuckled with embarrassment, muttering, "Thanks."

"We should spend some time together this summer. Just you and me? I mean… I don't mean to pry you away from Sirius," James said.

"That could be cool. I'm afraid you'll think I'm boring," Remus said.

James wanted to tell Remus that he could never be bored by someone so cute but instead managed, "Nah. You're geeky. I'm geeky too."

"For a jock," Remus countered and giggled.

"Fair. I'm a jock too," James admitted.

"Makes sense. You have the body for it," Remus said.

"Been checking out my body?" James asked with a wink.

Remus burst into laughter. James liked it when he laughed.

"Umm… uh… I mean it lives around the house. And the other night… it was there," Remus stammered.

"There's no shame. You're only human," James chuckled.

Oh, James, he thought, you're flirting with your best friend's boyfriend and not even hiding it.

"On my better days. When I'm not hiding away in my attic," Remus said with regret.

"You should come out more often," James said, thinking _he_ was the one who probably needed to come out.

"Probably. It's not easy. Being around people can be draining. I channel a lot of energy into my fanfic," Remus said.

"How's that going?"

"In between projects. Actually… I got this email the other night… and I haven't told anybody."

"Oh?"

"Yeah… someone working with a publisher… wants to turn my fic into a novel? I looked them up. They're legit. But… surely they must be mistaken?" Remus said.

"I don't know. I haven't read it. But Sirius and Lily think it's awesome," James said.

"Yeah. But that's different. They can't be objective can they?" Remus proclaimed.

"Does that invalidate their opinions? So they have a bias. So what?" James said.

"Well… no but…"

"I'm just saying. They love you but that doesn't mean their opinions of your art aren't valid. Can… I tell you a secret?" James said, lowering his voice.

"Sure."

James exhaled then said, "I don't really like Sirius's photography that much."

"What? Really?" Remus asked, seeming shocked.

"Yeah. And I love that boy like family. I always have. And I always support him and would do anything to help him achieve his dreams. But personally? I just don't think I'm that into photography."

"But doesn't that mean they could be faking their love for my fic?" Remus countered.

"What? No! It means the opposite of that, man. I don't lie to Sirius. I don't pretend to love this or that photo he takes. I find other ways to be positive about it. And I'm not a fool: I know he's good at what he does. It's just not for me," James said.

"I see. So you're saying… I should trust them since they offer particulars about what they loved?" Remus said.

"Definitely. Look, I tell you what: I'll read it and I'll give you my honest opinion," James said.

"I'm not sure that's the same thing…" Remus said.

"What? You don't believe I love you? You're my family too. All of you are," James said.

"R-really?"

"God, yes," James said, grinning over at Remus.

Remus smiled back and didn't say anything else. The rest of day four of the road trip went smoothly. They stopped in Akron, Ohio for Lunch and so that Peter could see the tribute to Devo, who he apparently was a big fan of.

That night it was time for James and Remus to share the bed and James was more than a little nervous. He didn't normally share a bed with his crushes like that. But there he was, trying to get comfortable in the dark. He'd already said goodnight to Lily. She'd informed him that she was about to hookup with her partners, hinting at tantalizing details that had made him more than a little aroused.

I can do this, James thought to himself. Just be cool. You're always cool, James, he told himself. Just be cool _right now_.

"Having trouble sleeping?" Remus asked.

"Yeah. Apparently," James said.

"Me too," Remus replied.

"Maybe I should just switch with Sirius…" James said and started to get up.

"No. It's fine. I don't want you to leave," Remus said and James's heart started slamming his chest.

"Oh. Well, thanks," James said, lying back down.

"I-I appreciate what you said this morning. That… I'm your family. That you… umm… you know," Remus said, clearly too embarrassed.

"I got ya. It's no problem. I meant it," James said.

"Yeah and uh… Same. To you. About you," Remus stammered.

"Thanks."

"Sorry I called you a jock."

"Don't be. I am. And between you and me, you're not wrong about my jock bod," James said, definitely not helping his situation down below any.

"Sometimes I wonder if I could have a body like that. But… I'm just kind of meh," Remus said.

"I don't think you're meh. You're cute. Everyone thinks so," James said.

"You think I'm cute?" Remus asked in disbelief.

"As a rule, I don't say things I don't mean," James replied.

"Th-thanks."

Just leave it there, James told himself. Just be cool.

"I can definitely see what Sirius sees in you," James said, definitely not being cool.

Remus was a silent for a moment then just said, "Thanks."

James flushed with embarrassment.

"I guess I can see what Lily sees in you," Remus admitted.

"Thanks," James muttered softly and rolled over, willing himself to move off this path he was on.

He needed sleep.

* * *

Remus struggled to get himself out of bed the final morning of the road trip, as they left Erie, Pennsylvania and headed towards Keene. Was this really happening? Surely not.

Remus was thinking… he might have a crush on James Potter. A big one. And he wasn't sure where it came from but he woke up with that fluttering feeling in his belly, same as he had felt for Sirius before. He really could see what Lily saw in him. James was fun, incredibly handsome and… he cared about people. He might care about people more than anyone Remus had ever known.

"No, no, no, no," Remus urged himself.

He couldn't allow this. What would Sirius think? He knew Lily would be OK with it… but Sirius? The risk was too great. He had to bury this shit _fast_.

There was a knock on the bedroom door. Remus pulled the covers over himself and said, "Come in."

"Hey. Getting up? It's the last day! Don't want to miss it!" Sirius said.

"Yeah. Just a moment," Remus said nervously.

"Oh. Uh… right, I'll give you some privacy," Sirius said and quickly left.

Remus groaned and got out of bed. He was feeling grateful that it was a shorter day of traveling with nothing planned but meeting up with Lily. Most of the day was spent driving through upstate New York before they finally pulled up to the hotel they would all be staying in, Lily waiting with a smile on her face.

As they exited the RV she screamed and ran towards them. She grabbed Remus first, squeezing him tightly and planting a kiss on his cheek. She then did the same to Sirius and Peter before damn near making out with James as he came out.

James pulled away from her, laughing.

"Damn, Lily. Save it for later," he joked.

"Fine, fine. Let's get checked in!"

There had been a fair bit of discussion about how many rooms they would check out. In the end, James and Lily got a room with the other three having their own. Of course, Lily would spend some time with her other partners from time to time but she still would have a bit more comfort at the hotel if she wanted her own space now and then.

The hotel itself was only temporary. In a few weeks they would be headed out to cabins for a couple of weeks, to get in touch with nature or whatever. Remus's mind was filled with a flurry of thoughts. Someone wanted to publish his fanfic as a novel. He had a developing crush on his best friend's boyfriend, who also happened to be straight.

What Remus wanted was some time with Lily alone. She would have the best advice. He could text her but it wouldn't be the same thing. Unfortunately, they all shuffled right off to dinner, where many anecdotes about the road trip were had.

"So, James, who would you say has the nicest butt?" Lily asked with a wicked grin on her face.

"Me, obviously," James said.

"Hmm. I might have to check to make sure," Lily said and cackled.

"Remus has a nice butt. I mean… for a guy. Let's just say… he's… umm.. Impressive naked," Peter said, looking awkward and quickly going back to his burger.

"I'll keep in that in mind," Lily said.

Remus was wishing there was something he could hide behind or under. Luckily, the subject instead switched to Sirius as Lily asked, "Hey, Sirius. You never did take that picture of me."

"No. I'm sorry. I guess time slips by," Sirius said.

"No, it's fine. We should do it at the cabin," Lily said.

"We could. Hell, I'll give you an entire day of photos," Sirius said.

"Oooo it's a date!" Lily said and Sirius awkwardly laughed, blushing.

Remus thought maybe James right. They were a family or at the very least were becoming one. That was nice.

* * *

Remus was sitting by the hotel pool when Lily made it down. He had texted her after dinner asking if they could have a private conversation. It was still light out and warm. Lily had considered going for a swim but thought that would make conversation difficult.

Remus looked troubled, more so than usual.

"What's up?" Lily said, sitting next to him at a table.

"God, what isn't? Things with Sirius are progressing faster than expected. Which is good but kind of scary? Like… we didn't have sex but we kinda did?" Remus said.

"Were genitals involved?" Lily asked.

"Definitely."

"That's sex, my friend," Lily said.

"Really?" Remus said.

"Yup."

"Huh. I had sex. Weird. Anyhow… then I got an offer to have Reliquary of Blood… published?" Remus said.

"Really? Wow! That's amazing," Lily said, quickly giving Remus a hug.

"Sure. I guess. I'm… kind of overwhelmed by the prospect. And I'd probably have to make a lot of changes," Remus said.

"It'll still be better than fifty fuckin' shades of grey," Lily said.

"Low bar."

"Very."

"For whatever it's worth I did email them back and said I might be interested. They said they would send more details soon. So… I guess that's a thing?" Remus said.

"Everything sounds good so far. What's bothering you?" Lily asked, furrowing her brow.

"James," Remus replied.

"What did he do? I'll fuck him up if he hurt you in any way," Lily declared.

"No, nothing like that. He's done nothing wrong… Well, not to me anyhow. Maybe Peter feels differently but… no… it's not that… it's… Oh, God. I… think I have a crush on him?" Remus said then pulled his shirt up over his face.

"Oh. My. God!" Lily shouted.

Remus groaned underneath his shirt. Lily's mind raced. She couldn't tell Remus about James's crush. And of course, that meant she couldn't tell James about Remus's crush. Oh, this was going to be _lots_ of fun for her.

"When did this happen?" Lily asked, trying her best to be serious and supportive.

"I don't know. Kind of… this morning? We shared the bed last night. And before that… he was saying… nice things. It made me feel good. And then… it made me feel attracted to him. God, how fucked up is this?" Remus said.

"It's fine. Dude, do you realize how many active crushes I have at any given moment? I mean, sure they aren't all the same but… I'm a crushy sort of gal," Lily proudly declared.

"Yeah, but you're you. You can just… flash them your eyes and seduce them with emerald," Remus said.

Lily wanted to counter that if that were the case, they would've hooked up ages ago but held her tongue and instead said, "Sadly, that's not true. Most of the crushes I've ever had never played out. Which shows you just how many I've had."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"Anyhow… obviously, James is straight and your boyfriend," Remus said.

Once again, Lily couldn't out James without his consent so she had to hold her tongue. But as far as the boyfriend thing went she said, "I don't care about that. You would be welcome to hook up with any partner of mine. I guess it'd be cool if you let me know you were into them and might hook up with them… but hey, you've just done that, so you're good to go!"

Lily lightly shoved his shoulder, careful not to hit his still healing tattoo, and he laughed.

"Let's be real: James Potter is way out of my league," Remus said.

"That's what you said about Sirius too," Lily pointed out.

"Fair but… I mean, they both are," Remus said.

"After all these years I'll never understand how one of the best looking people I've personally known thinks he's unattractive. Dude… Do you know how many friends and partners I've had who told me how hot you were?"

"I… don't know. I find that hard to believe," Remus said, clearly blushing.

"Look, here's a more important question: Assuming Sirius was cool with it, because that's a whole other can of worms, would you want to also date James?" Lily asked.

"He's straight," Remus said flatly.

"Let's also assume that wasn't a hurdle," Lily said.

"But it is! I don't want to invest my emotions in someone who is never going to reciprocate, Lily!" Remus said, standing up and looking very flustered.

Lily frowned.

"Sit down. Let's try this again, from a different angle. Let's take James out of the equation. Let's say… you liked someone who was definitely attracted to you and you were definitely attracted to them. Would you want to date them and still date Sirius?" Lily said.

"I don't know. Harder to work in the theoretical. But… maybe? It could be cool, I guess. But I'm… I really love Sirius. I'm terrified of scaring him off."

"Maybe you and Sirius should talk. Hammer out what you want from your relationship."

"You're probably right," Remus said.

"That's why you come to me, right?" Lily said.

"Yeah. I suppose it is," Remus said.

"Well… that's great. I have an appointment with my bed and my boyfriend I have to get to, babe. Take care. Have that conversation!" Lily said, standing up then leaning over to give Remus a kiss on the cheek.

* * *

James was lost in thought, already reminiscing about the road trip in his mind, when Lily entered the hotel room in a flash.

"Are you ready to throw down?" Lily asked.

"What did I do? Are you going to beat me up? Actually… that could be fun," James said, rubbing his slightly stubbly chin.

"I'm thinking my pussy wants to fight your dick. It's going to win, by the way," Lily said, starting to undress.

"Ah, that kind of throwing down," James said, his penis instantly responding and stirring in his underwear.

"Can you believe it's been over a week since we've fucked? I'm in need," Lily said, now naked and rifling through her things.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you have a lot of sex with Mary and Dorcas this week?" James asked, standing up and removing his clothes.

"Ohhh yeah. It was nice. Let me let you in on a secret James: if I had fifty partners I would still want to have sex with all of them as much as possible," Lily said, not sounding the least bit ashamed.

"That sounds exhausting," James said.

"Time consuming. I mean people in porn do more than that. Oh yeah, I'm thinking about producing my own porn. We should talk about that sometime," Lily said.

"Oh? What kind?" James inquired, stroking his now very hard cock.

"We'll talk about that some other time. That idea is still fermenting. What we should really talk about," Lily said, standing up with lube and one of her vibrators in her hands before continuing, "is how turned on I'm getting thinking about you and Remus."

"I could be into that," James said, sitting on the end of the bed as Lily strode over, falling to her knees before him and setting the lube and vibrator on the bed next to him.

"Oh yeah?" Lily asked, taking his cock in her hand and slowly stroking it in smooth motions.

"Definitely," James said.

"I've gotta admit… all your naked shenanigans, sharing a bed with Remus… are really getting me worked up, James," Lily said, persisting with her strokes.

"He told you? Oh god. Oh god!" James stammered, suddenly panicked.

"Are you coming?" Lily said with surprise.

"Huh? No. I'm freaking out because Remus told you about… how I acted last night," James said.

"And how did you act last night?"

"I… I told him I love him. And that he was… attractive. I couldn't help myself. I was there in bed with him and my dick was hard and every part of me was telling me to shut my mouth except for my heart and my dick. And I kept thinking about the other night, when Remus and Sirius shared the bed and… they were doing stuff. I was on the sofa, trying my best to sleep," James said.

"Oh?" Lily said and put her mouth on the head of his cock and started to suck.

"Mmm. Yeah, I had no idea what they were doing but I could hear the moans and even once it stopped and Remus went to the bathroom then back to bed. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I crept up to the front of the RV. I… I crouched down and pulled out my cock, stroking myself off into a handful of tissue and praying to God that no one walked by and that Peter didn't wake up," James said.

Lily's mouth made a pop sound as she pulled her mouth off his cock then said, "Wow. That's… hilarious but also kind of hot," Lily said then started sucking again.

"Yeah. Mmm. I just… I've got a Remus Lupin problem," James said.

"Does it turn you on to think of him doing this? Close your eyes and imagine he's the one blowing you," Lily suggested, then went back to work.

James did as she requested. He imagined Remus's golden brown hair, deep brown eyes and pouty, soft looking lips between his legs. He mapped Lily's motions onto Remus's visage. The vision was _incredible_ and he let out a deep moan.

"Ooo," Lily said, a brief interlude before she got back to sucking.

"Yeah. That's good. That's really good. God, I am so fucking bi," James said.

Lily sped up and as per usual right as he was at the very edge she pulled off.

"Fuck," he groaned.

"Oh, hush. You like it," Lily said, standing up.

"Well… yeah," James admitted.

"Do you want to know my fantasies?" Lily said, climbing up on his lap and wrapping her legs around him.

They kissed, slow and deep as James reached behind her and squeezed her ass, pulling her closer.

"Always," James replied.

"Sometimes when I'm really horny I think about… you and I are making out downstairs. It's getting hot and we get naked. Then Remus and Sirius walk into the room and they start fooling around. And then we switch partners," Lily said, then sucked on James's neck, making him shudder against her.

"Tell me more," James urged.

"So then you and Remus are lying on the couch, he's straddling you and rubbing his cock against yours. Mmm," Lily said, James rubbing between her legs, unable to believe how wet she was, her inner thighs soaked.

"Keep going," James said.

"I'm behind the couch, giving Sirius head, showing him how good I am with my mouth," Lily said, then reached over for the lube, pouring it in her hand then reaching between them to slick up his cock.

"Yeah?" James said, Lily's hand gliding effortlessly up and down his thick shaft.

Lily lifted herself up over his cock then slowly eased herself down it, grunting and moaning until she was all the way down. She felt _so_ good.

James rocked his pelvis as Lily lifted herself on and off of him. She continued her fantasy: "I make Sirius come harder than he ever has in his entire life then move around to the front of the couch. You and Remus are all over each other, making out and rubbing your cocks against each other. I tap Remus on the shoulder and he rolls off you, coming to me from behind."

"Mmm," James moaned, Lily's fantasy feeling vivid in his mind.

Lily grabbed her small pink vibrator, that was vaguely shaped like a tongue… James seemed to recall her being amused by the fact that it was called Lily, and turned it on, placing it on her clit, the vibrations strong enough to stimulate him as well.

"Lay back," Lily requested and James did so.

James reached up and gently squeezed the softness of her large breasts, then moved his hands down to her hips as she rocked her pelvis, sliding him and out as she continued: "Then Remus has me bent over the end of the sofa, fucking me while you watch and jerk off. Then Sirius climbs on you and slides down your fat cock like it's nothing because I made him _so_ wet."

At any other time, James might've balked at the idea of fucking his best friend, but hearing Lily say it was surprisingly sexy and he moaned hard, realizing his balls fucking ached. James knew the scenario wasn't all that realistic but at the moment he didn't fucking care.

"God. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. You're really turning me on," James said.

"I watch as Sirius is fucking the shit out of you and you come in him. Mmmm. Then Remus comes in me. And then Sirius gets off you and I lay back on the sofa in front of you, letting you eat me out while Sirius sits on my face and I eat him out again," Lily moaned, her voice getting high, clearly almost at the edge herself.

"You're such a fucking pervert, Evans," James said, feeling her vaginal muscles tightening around him.

"Takes one to know one, Potter," Lily said, bouncing up and down on his dick as she turned up the speed of her vibrator.

"I'm gonna come, Lily. Oh god," James said, his body clenching in anticipation as heat built up.

"Me too. Shit. Ahhnnn," Lily moaned, shaking as she squeezed hard on his shaft, her muscles contracting around him as he exploded inside of her in hard pulses.

"Oh! Godddamn!" James said, gritting his teeth, as he tried to thrust while the pleasure rushed through him.

"Mmmm," Lily moaned, dropping her vibrator as she rubbed her clit with her hand, James shuddering one last time for a final spurt.

"Damn," James said, breathing heavy.

"Yeah," Lily said then laughed.

"I think I needed that," James said.

"I thought you might. Let's get some rest. You get to meet Dorcas and Mary tomorrow," Lily said, climbing off him and running to the bathroom.

James lay there. He sometimes found that fantasies were less sexy after he had came. Not this time. Sure, the idea of sex always lost appeal after he came but… the four of them together… Yeah, that _definitely_ had some appeal.


	8. Coming Clean

There was a knock on the hotel room door and Remus hoisted his backpack and went to answer. His sister, Natalie, was standing there, brimming with excitement.

"Hey, you," she said and leaned up to hug him.

"Hey," Remus said.

Sirius came over, and gave Remus a kiss, eliciting an, "Aww," from Natalie. Remus felt himself blush. Natalie knew he wasn't straight and that he had a boyfriend. Today, if he found the courage, his parents would know as well.

"Take care," Sirius said, giving Remus a hug.

"I will. Enjoy Mary and Dorcas. You're going to love them. Tell them I miss them and said hi," Remus said.

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius said and Remus exhaled, following Natalie down halls, an elevator and stairs to get outside and into Natalie's car.

"So how was the road trip?" Natalie asked.

"Good. Long," Remus replied.

"That's good."

"You enjoying summer vacation?" Remus said.

"Sort of. It's nice being home and seeing old friends. But I miss my new ones out in Cali," Natalie said.

"Makes sense."

"Things going well between you and Sirius, I take it?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah. Really well, I think. There's still a lot we need to talk about but… Yeah, I think it's good."

"I've been seeing this guy. It's not too serious but I like him a lot," Natalie admitted.

"That's good," Remus said.

"Yeah."

Shortly they arrived at his parents's home. Nothing had changed while he was gone. It was funny. He hadn't even been gone nine months but his life had changed so much it felt like he had been gone for years.

His mom stepped out onto the porch with a bright smile.

"Mom," Remus said and dashed up to hug her tightly.

"Oh, Remus," his mother said, letting out a pleased sigh in his ear.

He hadn't known how much he missed her until he saw her standing there. The screen door squeaked and Remus opened his eyes to see his father standing there with a grin.

"Hey, dad," Remus said.

Remus and Natalie had divided their parents looks up. He had their mom's golden brown hair and Natalie had their dad's black hair. He had their dad's face and Natalie had their mom's, though they both had their dad's eyes.

"Come on. Come give your old man a hug," his dad said and Remus let go of his mom to give him a hug instead.

His father squeezed fiercely as he always did, then lead him inside for lunch.

* * *

Mary and Dorcas were waiting outside when James, Sirius, Lily and Peter arrived at Mary's apartment.

"James Potter, pleased to meet you," he said, offering his hand to them both in turn.

To his surprise, Mary rejected the handshake in favor of a warm hug.

"Oh. Nice," James said and Mary chuckled in his ear.

"Hi, I'm Sirius."

Sirius shook Dorcas's hand then Mary's, both of them introducing themselves.

"Let's go in!" Lily said.

James was prepared to fight any jealousy he might experience from seeing Lily being flirty and affectionate with her other partners but he found that even as she sat on the sofa with Mary leaning against her shoulder, he didn't have much of a problem. It was nice. He liked it.

The next several hours involved recounting the road trip. At some point Peter and Dorcas got to chatting over video games, drifting off to their own corner of the apartment. Sirius was doing a fair bit of texting, probably with Remus, who was spending time with his parents today.

Mary seemed very interested in hearing every detail about the trip and then eventually their lives together in Oregon.

"So… I guess now is the time to tell you guys… Mary's moving in," Lily said with a small smile.

"Cool," James said.

"Nice. It'll be cool having another trans guy around," Sirius admitted, Mary smiling at him.

"Well, my lease here is up in August. I'm ready for a change. And I miss this one," Mary said, giving his girlfriend a smooch on the cheek.

"After spending all these months with her… Well, I wouldn't want to be separated from her either," James said.

"You guys are gonna make me blush," Lily said, looking back and forth between them.

"Good," James said and winked.

Peter and Dorcas laughed about something loudly, wherever they were.

"Well, they're hitting it off," Mary said.

"Good. Peter could use a good distraction," James replied.

"Remus is about to come out to his parents," Sirius said, holding his phone in his hands.

"Oh. Hope that goes well," Mary said.

"His parents have always been nice. I guess I'd worry a little about his dad but I think it'll be fine," Lily said.

"Yeah, he's sitting down for dinner with them right now," Sirius said.

* * *

Natalie had helpfully set Remus up by talking about her new sort of boyfriend, allowing his mother to say, "Are you seeing anyone, Remus?"

Though in truth, his mother knew that he never did any dating and probably wasn't expecting a response.

"Yes, actually. I… I have a boyfriend," Remus said, unable to look either of his parents in the eye.

"You're gay?" his mom asked, seeming confused, no longer cutting her steak.

"No. I identify as queer but you can say I'm bi if anyone asks," Remus said.

Remus glanced at his father. He smiled and nodded at Remus in silent approval. That was funny. He'd been worried that his father might have a negative reaction, being the more stern and conservative of his parents.

"You're not serious," his mom repeated.

"Mom, of course, he's serious," Natalie said in his defense.

"Actually my boyfriend is Sirius. I want you to meet him," Remus said.

"He's serious? What does that mean? It's a serious relationship?" his mom inquired.

"Mom, his boyfriend is named Sirius. Like the star… or the radio," Natalie said.

"Who in the world would name their child Sirius?" his mom said.

Remus was starting to feel rather uncomfortable.

"Have you heard about the drought in South Korea right now?" his father asked, probably trying to change the subject.

"Don't change the subject, Marcellus," Remus's mother said sharply.

"Sylvia, let the boy be. I think it's great that he's getting out there and meeting people," his father said, not realizing that wasn't exactly what happened.

"Don't you want children?" his mother asked.

"Umm…" Remus said, unsure how to reply.

"Well, he can get married now. That's nice, isn't it?" his father said, referring to the Supreme Court decision from two days before that made marriage equality the law of the land in the United States.

Sylvia Lupin just gave her husband a glare and turned back to Remus, "Do you need some help? Some therapy or something. Is this my fault?"

Remus sighed and looked down at his plate, hot tears filling his eyes.

"No, mom. I'm fine. There's _nothing_ wrong with me," Remus said.

"I always thought you were gay," his dad observed.

"I'm not gay. I'm bi," Remus mumbled as tears fell down his face.

"You _are not_ bi. You're just confused," his mother said, sounding confused.

"Yes I am! I'm me! I know what I feel!" Remus insisted, wiping his face with his napkin.

"I'm bi," Natalie said and Remus looked up at her.

She smiled at him then frowned at her mother who was glaring at her like a deer caught in the head lights.

"That's right. I like girls _and_ boys. You gonna try to fix me?" Natalie said, looking ready for a fight.

"Excuse me," their mother said and left the dining room, then headed upstairs.

Things were silent for a moment, aside from the distant sobbing of their mother in the house above.

"Well, I'm proud of you both. I'm sure your mother will come around," their father said.

"She better," Natalie said.

"I should talk to her," Remus said, feeling bad that things went the way they did.

Remus stood up from the table and went upstairs. He went to his parents's bedroom door and knocked.

"Yes?" his mother's voice weakly called out.

"Can I come in?" Remus said.

"OK," she said and Remus opened the door.

His mother sat on the side of their bed, wiping at her eyes with a tissue.

"Have you come here to rub it in my face some more?" she asked.

Remus sat on the bench at the end of their bed and said as gently as possible, "No. I don't want to rub your face in anything. This is just who I am. Let me help you accept it."

His mother side and glanced over at him with sadness. She looked so hurt and disappointed that it made him want to evaporate. It was like he had done something to her and that feeling stabbed him in the heart.

"I don't know. I just want to be a grandmother someday. It's part of why I had children," she said.

"Mom. I'm twenty-one. I could have children one day," Remus said.

"Do you want children?" she asked him and he froze up.

Remus liked children but he thought the idea of him taking care of any anytime soon was laughable at best. He struggled with caring for himself sometimes. But still… he liked the idea of being a parent. With the right person.. the idea was nice.

He wouldn't allow himself to think about having children with Sirius. They had only been kinda sorta officially dating for a few weeks. It didn't feel appropriate and he had no clue what Sirius's feelings on children were.

"Yeah. Someday. My own if I can or I could adopt. Not anytime soon. Besides, Nat has always talked about how much she wants kids. You'll get your grandkids, I promise," Remus said.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could be OK with this. I love you so much, Remus. I don't want this life for you. I don't want you getting murder or dying of AIDS or something horrible," she said.

"Mom. I'm fine. Also, no one dies from AIDS anymore. Not if they get treatment and especially if they get it early on. Most don't ever develop full blown AIDS anymore. The AIDS crisis is long gone," Remus said, realizing he was going to need to spend a lot of time educating his mother going forward.

Remus also realized he was going to need to explain to his mom that his boyfriend was trans, if only because he wanted to be able to ensure that she wouldn't treat Sirius in an inappropriate way. He would have to talk to Sirius about that first, however.

"Do you think you'll ever date a girl again?" his mom asked.

"I've never dated a girl before but, sure. Gender isn't a factor for me. I'm just attracted to people," Remus said.

He could try explaining that he did have a slight preference for men and masculinity but thought it best not to over complicate things.

"I kissed a girl when I was your age," his mom said suddenly.

"At college?" Remus asked.

"No. She was a girl I knew at church. I thought she was so pretty. I invited her over to my apartment for dinner. I had some excuse or the other. I wanted to talk about Jesus and the Pharisees or something, Lord, I can't remember."

"Weren't you dating dad?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, I was. But he didn't know about her. I mean I didn't know what I was doing. Not a clue. I just wanted to get to know her. Really bad. Of course, I didn't know she was a lesbian. I'd never known any lesbians. I guess she thought I was one. She was… so nice. So sweet and funny. You should've seen, Remus. It was like she was… made of stars."

Was… his mother describing a crush?

"She sounds neat," Remus said.

"Oh, she was more than neat. I knew I was completely straight but when she tried to kiss me I didn't stop her. I let her kiss me and it was wonderful. And I let her stay the night. Never told your father," she said.

Remus couldn't believe what he had just heard. He was pretty sure his mom had just confessed to cheating on his father with a woman.

"Wow," Remus said, definitely understating things.

"I stopped going to that church. She wanted to see me again and I couldn't… I just couldn't. I was seeing your father and… No, I couldn't be her friend. It wouldn't have been right," his mom said, wiping at her eyes.

"So you never saw her again?" Remus asked.

"No, I see around town. She still lives here. She and her wife. I've met her wife. Don't care for her," she said with a frown.

Remus was stunned. If Remus didn't know better he might think his mother was still in love with this woman. He decided not to pry, thinking he should leave well enough alone now that his mother seemed to be on the path to acceptance.

"Do you want to go back downstairs with me?" Remus asked, offering his mother a hand as he stood up.

"Yeah. Let's do that," she said and stood up, taking his hand.

Remus guided his mother out of the bedroom but she stopped and embraced him.

"I love you, Remus. So much," she said, clearly crying.

"I love you too, mom."

* * *

"Hey, Sirius," Mary said as he stood outside, watching the sunset.

"Hey," he said, turning and smiling at him.

The sunset had pink and orange hue that was striped by wisps of cirrus clouds. It was quite lovely.

"Enjoying the sunset?" Mary asked.

"Yeah. I was thinking about all the different sunsets we saw on the road. The sky looks different depending on where you are. It's hard to put into words. In Oregon… it's usually too overcast to see much of a sunset, though it's nice when it is there," Sirius said.

"Yeah, I feel ya on the sky thing. It's part of why I've always loved traveling," Mary said.

"I could see myself being like that. Maybe if I could take Remus with me," Sirius said.

Mary giggled.

"I don't know, man. I want to plant my feet somewhere for a while. Find some work that keeps me more stationary. Build a community. A network that isn't so chaotic and scattered," Mary said.

"That makes sense. It's like… now… I've never had this before? I never got along with most my family and that's putting it mildly. And then there was James and his parents but that was still… not much of a network. Now there's Remus, James, Lily, Peter… even you and Dorcas," Sirius said.

"Aww. Sweet that you'd include me," Mary said.

"James and Remus are family. Which makes Lily family. Which makes you family," Sirius said, grinning at him.

Mary chuckled, shyly looking away.

"And you're trans. That makes you pretty special too," Sirius said.

"I don't know, man. I still feel like a fuckin' imposter, you know? Did you go through that?" Mary asked, frowning.

"Did I go through that? When have I ever stopped going through that? That's the hardest part. That feeling that you might be fooling yourself. But you have to keep telling yourself that you know yourself better than anyone. You know what you feel," Sirius said.

"When did you know?" Mary asked.

"God. When did I not know? That's the terrible thing? I never doubted it as a kid, though every time I'd want to present as a boy or say I was boy… I got punished. Badly. So I learned to keep it quiet. But when you're a kid… you don't see the world in the same way. You don't know what it's going to be like to have people not want to believe or accept you for who you are. It sows doubt in your mind," Sirius said.

"Fuck man, that's so… much," Mary said, astonished.

"Yeah. Wearing a binder and taking hormones helps. I was nervous before I started T. But it's been good. Anything that decreases the chance that I'll have to explain and defend myself feels good. I just want to exist, you know? I want to say that I'm a man and be believed," Sirius said.

Mary smiled at him.

"Yeah, I want to get on hormones after the move. I don't hate my body. I guess I've always… had a deeper voice and been seen as a boy. But I don't mind my tits. I guess like you I just want to decrease the chance that I'll not be seen as who I am," Mary said.

"If you have any questions about being on the hormones I'd be happy to share, though I gather that some things can be different for different people," Sirius said.

"Oh, would you? I have so many questions," Mary replied.

"Have at it. I'm happy to help," Sirius said.

* * *

Lily opened her eyes and looked around. She had apparently fallen asleep on James who was, himself, also asleep. No one else was around Mary's living room.

"Where'd everyone go?" Lily whispered.

"Hmm?" James said, stirring awake.

"We're alone apparently," Lily said but the front door opened, Mary and Sirius laughing at something and looking as thick as thieves.

"There's two of them," James said.

"Peter and Dorcas left. They said they would be back," Sirius said.

"Weird," James said.

"Sirius and I were just outside chatting. Actually, Lil, could I talk to you?" Mary asked.

"Yeah," Lily said, standing up and stretching before following Mary outside where it was now quite dark.

"So yeah. Had a nice chat with Sirius. He's something else, isn't he?" Mary said.

"I'd certainly say so," Lily said.

"And hot, right? He's fuckin' hot," Mary said.

"Very," Lily admitted.

Mary scratched the back of his head, looking towards his apartment in thought.

"Yeah. I uh… definitely am looking forward to getting to know him better. I mean don't worry… I'm not going to like… I love Remus and I would never do anything to hurt him. But… mmmm. Gonna enjoy crushing on that boy," he declared.

"That's fair. At this point, I pretty much have a crush on everyone I live with, except maybe Peter," Lily admitted.

"That sounds like you. Too bad they aren't all poly, right?" Mary said.

Lily awkwardly chuckled and wondered whether it would be appropriate to reveal the secrets she knew to her boyfriend. She needed to tell someone or she might burst.

"If I tell you something… Some… things, you have to promise to never speak a word to another living soul," Lily said, lowering her voice.

"I mean, obviously, but I wouldn't want you to betray anyone's trust," Mary said, looking concerned.

"Fuck. I'm gonna die if I don't tell someone. Surely, they'll understand," Lily said, bouncing with frustration.

"I'll listen to anything you have to tell me… I mean I guess if no one said you couldn't tell me…"

"No, that's not an issue. They just don't want each other knowing," Lily said.

"Who?" Mary asked.

Lily whispered, "James and Remus. They both have crushed on each other."

Mary's face lit up and he covered his mouth as he tried to laugh.

"Dude! That's amazing," Mary said.

"Right? Oh my god, Remus told me about his crush yesterday and I was trying to encourage him without saying that I knew what I knew. And now I have to play some absurd game where I know what both of them don't know but can't tell them that I know everything I know," Lily said.

"That's rough, buddy," Mary said.

"Thanks, Sokka," Lily said, elbowing him in recognition of his Avatar: The Last Airbender reference.

"Damn, dude. That's some wild shit, though. It'd be pretty sweet if they hooked up though, right?" Mary said.

"Yeah. I mean… assuming Sirius didn't get hurt. I told Remus to talk to Sirius but obviously he's busy today," Lily said.

"Maybe Sirius is poly?" Mary said.

"That'd be perfect. But… I don't want to get excited," Lily said.

"That's fair. Do you like him?" Mary said.

"Who?" Lily said.

"Sirius."

"Oh. I mean, I've already admitted to crushes all around. But yeah. He's hot. I'd date him if he was interested and available," Lily said.

"Same," Mary admitted.

"Pretty soon we're gonna need a flow chart for all these relationships," Lily joked.

Mary loudly chuckled.

"Probably," she said.

The front door to the apartment opened and James stepped out.

"Peter texted to say that he and Dorcas are on their way back. They went to see a movie, apparently," James said.

"What movie?" Mary asked.

"I don't know. He didn't say," James replied.

"Weird," Mary said.

* * *

"Good night," Remus's mom called out from the other side of his old bedroom door.

"Night," Remus echoed.

Even though he had moved out three years ago to live with Lily, his room remained largely untouched. He had left his Smiths, Cure and Paramore posters up on the wall precisely for a moment like this when he could return and feel those particular emotions.

Nostalgia was funny. He remembered the day they moved into the house and he put up The Smiths poster next to the window. There was nothing particular special about that moment. It wasn't the first house he had moved into. But thinking about the moment made him _feel_ things. It made him happy. He liked the… continuity of it. His fingers graced the poster, thinking it seemed nearly as good as new.

Even the stupid, ugly floral pattern of the wallpaper gave him feelings. He never liked it but he missed it all the same.

His phone chimed:

 **Back at hotel. Gonna cuddle with Peter since you're not here.**

Remus smirked. He knew Sirius was joking but was curious what would happen if he didn't react with jealousy.

 _Nice. I'm about to get into bed too._

 **I… was joking. I'm not really cuddling with Peter. Lol**

 _I know. :P I'm just not the jealous type, I guess._

Sirius didn't reply for a couple of minutes. At first Remus was worried until he received:

 **Oops. I passed out for a sec lol. Gotta sleep. Love you 3**

 _Love you too 3_


	9. We Need to Talk About Mom

"You sure you don't want to come?" James asked.

"I always want to come. Mmm," Lily sleepily moaned, lying next to him in the hotel bed, naked with her butt facing the ceiling.

"Be serious," James chuckled.

"Would that turn you on? I don't really look anything like Sirius but if you want to roleplay…"

"Hey, I'm the one that makes jokes about his name!" James said, playfully popping her on her bottom, eliciting a light moan before he rolled out of bed.

"No, I don't want to go with you to meet Charity and her fiancé," Lily said.

James was surprised by her lack of interest. Lily was normally always up for meeting new people.

"Any reason why not?" James said.

"I don't know. What if her fiancé is a huge dick?" Lily asked.

"Then I'll be all alone with Charity and her huge dick," James said.

Lily snickered.

"No, I promised to hang with Sirius and Mary today. I like keeping my promises. Actually, I should get up," Lily said with a groan.

James showered and came out, giving Lily a kiss before he headed out the door, hitting the road to Brattleboro, Vermont a half hour drive away. They were meeting for lunch in a small cafe there.

Charity rushed up to him and embraced him tightly, looking just as she did the last time he saw her. She was a very short woman, with short curly brown hair.

"James. It's good to see you," Charity said, leading him over to their table.

A man stood up. He was wearing black even thought it was the middle of summer. His black hair looked oily and unwashed and his face seemed to have a natural sneer.

"Severus Snape," the man said, extending his hand, making James wonder where he had heard that name before.

* * *

Natalie was swinging in the old tire swing when Remus went out the backdoor, looking to play fetch with Josh, their golden retriever. The tire swing had been there, hanging from the large white ash tree in the backyard, when they moved in. Their father had done some repairs a few times but mostly it was as it had been left by the previous owners.

Josh was sitting in front of Remus, relentlessly wagging his tail so Remus tossed the ball, allowing Josh to quickly grab it and bring it back to Remus, following him as he walked out to Natalie.

"Hey, Nat," Remus said, leaning against the tree next to her and taking the ball and tossing it again.

"Hey. Sorry if I stole your thunder at dinner last night," Natalie said with a smirk.

"Nah. I'm glad you said it. Though you could've told me ahead of time," Remus said and Natalie chuckled.

Josh brought the ball back and dropped it in front of Remus, forcing him to bend over and pick it back up.

"I don't know. It's hard, isn't it? Even when you know someone will accept you. Just… saying the words. I'd rather just people know and accept it without having to make a big fuss," Natalie said.

"Yeah. Unfortunately, life is more complicated than that."

"Yeah."

Josh barked at Remus, his eyes fixed on the ball. Remus laughed and tossed the ball far, watching the dog rush to retrieve it.

"Say, Nat… do you know… Last night, when I went up to talk to mom.. She… kind of revealed that she's been in love with this lady for the last twenty-five years?"

"What?" Natalie said, stopping her swinging and staring at Remus in confusion.

"Last night… she just… out of nowhere revealed that she cheated on dad with this lady when she was twenty-one," Remus said, whispering as if their mother could somehow hear them out there.

"The fuck?" Natalie gasped.

"Right?"

Josh barked, having dropped the ball in front of Remus at some point. Remus shook his head and tossed the ball again.

"Who is this lady? Does she still know her?"

"Yeah. She lives here in Keene. She didn't say who she was but she's a lesbian and has wife or girlfriend or whatever," Remus replied.

"How could she judge _us_?" Natalie asked.

"I don't know. I've been wondering the same thing. I guess she compartmentalizes. She's probably in denial about her feelings. I mean at first she just told me she had kissed a girl like it was no big deal… then it was clear… that she had really liked her… and she spent the night with her," Remus said.

"Wait. Mom _boned_ a lady and judges us?" Natalie said, sounding pissed.

"I guess so. I didn't ask for details but… the implication was there," Remus said.

"What a fucking hypocrite," Natalie said.

"I don't know. I feel bad for her. She didn't grow up in the same time we are, Nat. Her parents were really religious and she was dating dad. Think about how hard it is to come out now and imagine what it was like in 1980," Remus said.

"Yeah, but still. How _dare_ she judge _us_ ," Natalie growled.

"I want to help her," Remus said.

"What? Convince her she's gay or bi?" Natalie said.

"I don't know. I just know that if it were me I would want help," Remus said.

Josh barked and Remus tossed the ball. Remus sometimes wondered what the dog got out of this process. If someone kept tossing a ball and forcing him to go and fetch it, he'd think they were a real jerk.

"What if we help her and she's like oh, I guess I'm a lesbian and leaves dad?" Natalie said.

Remus frowned. He hadn't thought of that.

"I don't know. But what if she's unhappy? What if she doesn't want to deny who she is for the rest of her life?" Remus said.

"God, you've always been such a valiant hero. Fine. We'll talk about this. But I need to get stoned. Will you come out into the woods and smoke some weed with me?"

Natalie knew that Remus didn't care for weed but under the circumstances he felt like it might help.

"I'll put Josh up," Remus said.

"I'll go get the stuff from my room," Natalie said, jumped out of the tire swing.

* * *

"I wanted to make video games but I've moved on from that. I still play them but I've moved onto more serious programming endeavors," Severus said.

James really didn't like this guy. James hated the way he looked down on everyone and everything. He was waiting for any sign of mistreatment for Charity but in truth he seemed to look at her with a lot of love and she seemed to like him. He wasn't doing anything to anybody. He was just kind of a pretentious asshole.

From what James gathered the two of them had met on OkCupid. For some reason or the other that seemed sort of vague, he had been thinking of moving to Southwest Oregon and chatted up Charity. They hit it off and now here she was, all moved right near where Lily grew up and about to marry this jerk. Something about this was _weird_.

James pulled out his phone, not caring if he was being rude and thinking that Severus was too busy listening to himself talk as he sent Lily a text:

 _This guy is an ass. Also his story is weird._

"Yeah," James chuckled, pretending to have heard whatever Severus had just said.

His phone chimed.

 **That sucks. What's his name? Maybe I know him lol**

 _Yeah, his name is weird too. Severus Snape. Who names their kid Severus?_

* * *

"What the _fuck_?" Lily said suddenly, making Sirius jump.

"What?" Mary said.

Lily looked up from with a look bordering on horror. They were walking along Ashuelot Rail Trail and Sirius had been greatly enjoying the environment, suddenly very much looking forward to the upcoming two weeks spent in a cabin.

Lily turned to Mary looking grim.

"James's ex-girlfriend is marrying Severus Snape," Lily said.

"Oh my god," Mary said looking shocked.

"Who is that?" Sirius asked.

"I've mentioned a friend who I slept with then he turned into an asshole because I wouldn't drop everything and be with him? This is the guy," Lily said, shaking her phone as if it were him.

She texted back to James as she made frustrated grunts.

"Ugh. I can't believe I agreed to go to his wedding," Lily said.

"Weren't we planning on crashing it anyhow?" Mary said.

"Probably. But now it's an obligation. That _fucker_ … I bet he knows. Let me ask James how the fuck these two met," Lily said, pulling her phone back out of her shorts pocket and furiously texting.

After a short back and forth Lily was fuming.

"They met on OKC. He was looking up people where we live, Sirius. He knew exactly what he was doing. He's probably been Facebook stalking me or, God, I don't even know. He might be following my Tumblr," Lily said, making a disgusted face.

"Holy fuck, Lil. You think he's stalking you," Mary said.

"I don't know. I hope not. Maybe he was just curious and he really did like her profile. I hope so. I mean… they _are_ living out here. Maybe it started that way but… he really likes her?" Lily said.

"Babe, I think you might want to consider meeting with Sev. Bury the hatchet," Mary said.

"Yeah. In his fucking back. I gave him a chance. I was ready to forgive him if he just would've owned up. I don't know that I can go back, even if he has grown. Fuck!" Lily said, looking like she needed to sit down.

They were nearly at a bridge and carried on to there where they rested and look out at the river that passed beneath it.

"Just when I thought I had everything figured out. Boom," Lily said, making an explosive gesture with her hands.

"That's life, I guess," Mary said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Guess so," Lily said and frowned.

"What does James think of him?" Sirius asked.

"James thinks he's an ass," Lily said, grinning slightly.

"He's not wrong," Mary admitted and they all chuckled.

* * *

"There's more about me… than just being bi," Remus said, exhaling marijuana smoke into the air as he lay next to his sister in a bright outcropping in the woods.

"Oh yeah?" Natalie asked, taking a puff from her joint.

The world felt odd. Being stoned was such an unusual feeling. It felt nice but Remus wouldn't want to feel this way very often. He felt oddly detached from his own experiences, like he was looking through a window into another reality. He didn't know what the fuck that meant but it was definitely how he felt.

"I might be nonbinary," Remus admitted.

"Cool. I have a friend who is genderfluid. They're pretty rad," Natalie said.

"Nice. I don't know. Gender is weird. Like… what does it even mean?" Remus said.

"I don't fuckin' know. I'm a girl but I don't know what that means," Natalie said.

Remus puffed on his joint again then slowly exhaled, feeling another gently burn of euphoria in his mind.

"I wore a skirt and makeup at Pride and it felt so right. But I'm afraid if I really were to look like what I feel… someone might hurt me," Remus admitted.

"Don't worry, big brother, if anyone hurts you I'll beat them up," Natalie declared, pumping a fist then puffing on her joint.

"Thanks. I appreciate that, Nat. But yeah it's… I just… had never felt more myself before that weekend before. And I didn't even know until I tried to let myself be that person," Remus said, thinking if he weren't so high he would probably be crying.

"Aww. That's great," Natalie said, rubbing his shoulder.

"Of course, I can't even begin to approach telling _them_ about my gender," Remus said, meaning their parents.

"Yeah, I get that. Right. We were gonna talk about mom. What should we do?" Natalie said.

"I don't know. I think if we press her on it she'll just get defensive, maybe even deny it. If we knew who the lady was we could talk to her… Maybe you were right. We shouldn't meddle," Remus said, inhaling marijuana smoke again.

"Probably. I don't know. I think you sold me on it. I was thinking what if I stayed in the closet and got married to some dude and could… never be honest? That would suck," Natalie said.

"Yeah. Maybe you should talk to her. Wait until there's a good moment. You can take her aside and tell her your experiences. Get her to relate, maybe," Remus said.

"Yeah. Maybe. Maybe so. Good idea, big brother," Natalie said.

* * *

Sirius was napping when Remus returned to the hotel that evening. He had arrived back a couple of hours before from their walk partially down the rail trail then back up again and taken a shower then laid down with nothing better to do.

"Hey," Sirius said, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey," Remus said with a grin and rushed over to Sirius's bed as soon as he had set his backpack down.

He slid over to Sirius and their lips quickly met for a slow, sweet kiss.

"Mmm. I missed you too," Sirius said.

"Where's Peter?" Remus asked.

"Hanging out with Dorcas. They hit it off," Sirius said.

"Cool," Remus said and kissed Sirius again, a hand sliding down the side of his body to his hip.

They slowly made out, Sirius enraptured by the feel of Remus's lips. He reached behind Remus and slid his hands up and down his back, feeling aroused by his weight and heat. He had more muscle and form than he often acted like he had.

Sirius pulled his mouth away to breathe, brushing his face against Remus's before their lips slid back together as if that was how they belonged. Sirius was grateful they were alone and they didn't have to hold anything back, though he wasn't sure where this was going.

Remus pulled away and said, "I've got so much I need to tell. Stuff we should talk about too."

"Oh? You don't want to keep doing this," Sirius said, gesturing from his own lips to Remus's.

"Yeah. I mean, after," Remus said leaning back into Sirius's mouth.

Remus seemed to slide closer and closer and Sirius could feel something hard below pressing against his thigh. He was certain that he was wet.

"Remus… if you wanted to do something right now… I would definitely be game for that," Sirius admitted.

Remus frowned then kissed Sirius before pulling away again.

"We need to talk before we get carried away. I want to… Physically I really want to," Remus said, lightly rocking his pelvis.

"Yeah, me too. Badly, but that's OK. Umm… say what you need," Sirius said and Remus slid away.

"I guess… I wanted to talk about us and what we want from this relationship," Remus said.

"Well, what do you want?" Sirius asked.

"Umm… God, I'm nervous," Remus admitted with a chuckle.

Sirius was a little too turned on to be nervous but chuckled with Remus anyway.

"Don't be. Just say whatever. No judging," Sirius promised.

"OK. I mean… I love you. I never thought I would be able to say that to anyone with such ease but it's true. I know I haven't known you a long time but… I love you," Remus said.

"I love you too," Sirius grinned, wanting to kiss him but knowing that way might lead them down the path Remus didn't want to go.

"Lily always says that relationships should be based on mutual want and need," Remus said.

"Well, what do you want and need?" Sirius said.

"I want… you. All of you that you are willing to share. Need? I don't think I need you but I need… so much. There's so much love and affection in me. Maybe more than I could ever give one person?" Remus said.

"Oh," Sirius said with realization.

"Yeah. I guess… I'm worried that I might want to be with other people and that… either you wouldn't be OK with it or you would think it was because I didn't love you enough…" Remus said.

"Don't you think this has occurred to me?" Sirius said.

"Has it?"

"Yeah. Lily has had me thinking. I mean… you're the only person I've ever seriously been romantically attracted to. I mean… I don't even know what that means? What is romantic attraction? How is it different than anything else? If I think about wanting to kiss Lily is that romantic attraction or do I just think it would be fun? Friends can kiss. Romantic partners can kiss. I'm not sure what the difference is," Sirius said.

"Me either. I guess it's different for everybody? There's this thing… called relationship anarchy. It's a totally different way of looking at relationships in a non-hierarchical fashion. I think it's cool," Remus said.

"I'll have to look that up. Anyhow, to answer your underlying question: I'm cool if you want to date other people. As long as it's cool that I do too," Sirius said.

Sirius did have some interest in Lily. He wasn't sure what the attraction was but it existed. It could be fun to explore that.

"Of course. Though I do wonder… what if the person I was interested in was… someone we knew?" Remus said.

"That sounds better than strangers," Sirius said and Remus grinned.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about that but… I might have a crush on someone," Remus said.

It wouldn't be shocking that Remus was interested in Lily, seeing as she was his best friend, and Sirius wasn't sure why Remus would want to treat it like a secret but he also wasn't going to press him on the issue.

"That's fair. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?" Sirius said.

"Yeah… my mom. She… Told me something last night and I wanted to get your take on it. Then maybe we can watch some Netflix until we fall asleep?"

"Definitely," Sirius said and listened to the perplexing revelations about Remus's mother.


	10. Tell Me I'm Your National Anthem

In the days leading up to the fourth of July, James Potter had the first real fight he and Lily had ever had.

"What do you mean you don't do the fourth? Everybody does the fourth," James said.

"I don't. I'll acknowledge that it happens and that sometimes it's a good time to meet up with family and friends but patriotism is toxic bullshit," Lily said, standing in front of the bed looking stern.

"But… fireworks? And hot dogs and burgers! It's not about… like whether we love what America is… it's about fun and just… celebrating the land of the free," James said.

"I'm surprised at you James. You've never seemed ignorant about oppression and privilege," Lily commented.

"I'm not. I've been dealing with racism my entire life. I'm not like… turning my back on Black Lives Matter by saying I love America," James countered.

"I didn't say that. Don't put words in my mouth," Lily replied sharply.

"Sorry," James frowned.

"America isn't great. It could be great, but it isn't. I'm not telling you what to do with your time and energy but for me, I don't say the pledge of allegiance or sing the national anthem or celebrate the fourth of July," Lily declared.

"I just… want you there. Everyone will be there, even Remus's family," James insisted.

"Mary won't be there," Lily pointed out.

James sighed.

"I just don't see why it's a big deal. It's not like the government is gonna notice that Lily Evans didn't come to watch fireworks,"

"Lily Evans will notice that Lily Evans didn't come to watch fireworks. It's not for the government. It's for me. I don't feel it," Lily replied.

"But… what about what you feel for all of us?" James pleaded.

"Just… let it go, James," Lily said.

"Are you just worrying Severus will be there?" James asked.

"I'm sure he will be. And no, I don't care about that. Do you take me for a liar?" Lily replied, an edge to her voice.

"No. I just… thought maybe it could be a factor," James admitted.

"Actually, no, I had managed to push Severus out of my mind, but now he's back again, so thanks, James," Lily said, sounding annoyed.

"Sorry. Look, I'll just go…" James said, standing up from the bed and grabbing his wallet.

"Do you usually runaway from arguments?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"We're not arguing. You're right and I'm wrong. I'm an asshole," James conceded.

Lily sighed.

"I'm sorry, James. I wish I didn't care. But I do. I grew up knowing the way this country uses, abuse and exploits Puerto Rico. And that isn't just the government's problem. Most people here, especially white people, don't give a fuck about Puerto Rico or even know that Puerto Ricans are US citizens," Lily said.

"I… didn't know. I mean, I know now. But when I met you and you said you were Puerto Rican… I knew it was a US territory… but I didn't know. I looked it up," James said, not turning around to face her.

"Typical. Disappointing but typical," Lily said.

"I'm sorry," James said.

Lily sighed again.

"It's OK. Look, I don't want to fight with you, James," Lily insisted.

"Me either," James said, turning around and facing her.

"I can't explain to you all of my complicated feelings about this country in the span of one day," Lily said.

"I just… can't stand being without you. I'm selfish in that way. If I'm doing something cool, I want you there. I'm sentimental. Being with the ones I love is what makes me feel alive. If you're not there… it won't be the same," James said with a frown.

Lily nodded.

"Let me think about it. We've still got two days until Saturday."

"All right," James said, trying to prevent himself from smiling.

* * *

"It's weird," Remus said.

"Sure. What is?" Sirius replied as they got ready to go over to Brattleboro for fireworks.

"I'm nervous," Remus admitted.

"You'll be fine. I'll be with you," Sirius said.

"I meant the cabin," Remus countered.

"Oh. Really?" Sirius said.

"Yeah. There's going to be a lot of us under one roof. And with you and I sharing a room… Let's just say that I haven't had much alone time recently and two weeks without it…" Remus trailed off, looking sad and exhausted.

"I mean… we don't have to share a room. I could sleep somewhere else," Sirius said.

"No. You're fine. I just… need some time to recharge at some point. Maybe some walks through the woods," Remus said.

Sirius frowned. He felt terrible for Remus. He wished he better understood what he was going through. Sirius got anxiety attacks sometimes but being around people was usually fine.

"What's it like? I usually find being around people gives me energy," Sirius said.

"I find the opposite. It's like I have a battery that's being slowly drained and that's on top of all the anxiety I feel," Remus said.

"Why aren't you nervous about the fireworks?" Sirius said.

"I am but… it's different. Most of those people will ignore me. But you guys… I'll be expected to be social and interact. It's exhausting and I'm already exhausted," Remus admitted.

"Is there anything I can do?" Sirius asked, walking around to Remus.

"No. Just… be there. Except when I need to be alone," Remus said.

"OK. I'll do that," Sirius said then gave Remus a kiss.

"I guess we should go," Remus said.

"Yeah. James is probably waiting," Sirius replied.

* * *

As people gathered in the park in Brattleboro where they were going to be lighting off fireworks, Lily wondered what she was doing there. She didn't like the feeling of betraying her own principles. After their fight, James later sat her down and said he had changed his mind. He thought she should stand up for her principles.

And that had been that for a day or so… but she woke up that morning… feeling like she needed to do it. She didn't want to stand for the America that disappointed her. She wanted to stand for the America that James loved. The one that held promise. She wasn't sure she believed in that America but she wanted to believe in it and perhaps for that evening that would be enough.

Everyone sat on towels, blankets and lawn chairs as they waited on a hill for the fireworks. There were people grilling burgers and hot dogs nearby. There were a few people already wearing Trump 2016 tee-shirts, making her clench her fists in silence.

Dorcas was sharing a blanket with Peter while Mary was by himself. Lily went and sat down next to him, while James was busy talking with Remus and Sirius.

"Hey," Lily said.

"Hey, babe," Mary said, leaning over to give Lily a kiss.

"I'm surprised you came," Lily said.

"Well, everyone is here," Mary replied.

"Everyone is always here," Lily countered

Mary laughed.

"No, babe. Everyone as in… all of us. Our group. This family or whatever," Mary said, gesturing at the four blankets they were all occupying.

"Oh. Right. But I mean… I only barely came," Lily admitted.

Mary's parents were Abenaki and Cherokee and that gave him his own perspective on America. Though Lily thought that his issues with America were more complicated than that.

"I guess I decided being here was important. I'm excited about the cabin. It's gonna be good to get away and… just be together… with people I love," Mary said, reaching over to hold Lily's hand.

Lily smiled and lifted his hand to her mouth, planting a small kiss on it. Sometimes Lily really thought she was in love with love. Head over heels with it, in fact.

"Hey," a familiar voice said in a presumptuous tone.

Lily sighed.

"Hey, Sev," she said flatly, turning behind her to see him standing there.

"Can we talk?" he said.

"I suppose," she said and stood up.

"Well?" she said, standing in front of him.

"Can we go somewhere more private?" Severus asked.

"Fine," she said and followed him towards the edge of the woods.

"You're looking good," Severus said as they stopped at the edge of the surrounding woods.

"Thanks," Lily said, refusing to return the compliment.

"Are you coming to the wedding?" he asked.

"I said I would. I keep my promises," Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm surprised you'd want to come to my wedding," Severus observed.

"I don't. I want to go with my boyfriend to his ex-girlfriend's wedding," Lily replied.

Severus scowled.

"Isn't there… any part of you that still cares about me?" he asked.

Lily sighed.

"Of course, there is. But it's buried under a lot of hurt, resentment and anger. You really hurt me, Sev. And despite that I tried to be the bigger person and mend things with you. But you treated me like a terrible person just because I didn't feel the way about you that you wanted me to feel."

"That's not true. That's not true at all. I didn't have to want you to feel anything that I didn't believe you were feeling already," Sev said and Lily groaned.

"Get over it, dude. You were my friend. You were a damn good friend. I was as honest with you as I could have possibly been. I never lead you on or pretended something that wasn't true," Lily replied with frustration.

"No, no. It's OK. I understand now. I don't think you are a liar. You have some sort of block when it comes to me. Something that won't let you let go," Severus said.

Lily clenched a fist and sighed.

"Did you really want to bring me aside just to piss me off? I'm sorry, Sev, but I never felt anything for you. And you know the worst thing? It's that maybe someday I would have. Who knows? Not me. Not you. And we never will. Because you wanted exactly what you wanted when you wanted it," Lily said.

Severus looked down at his feet then back up again. It was something resembling regret.

"I'm sorry. Really. I am. I've grown up a lot these last two years. I'm in college now. I'm going to be an engineer. I'm getting married. Charity and I are going to have a child," Severus proclaimed proudly.

"Charity is pregnant?" Lily asked and Sev nodded.

"We aren't telling anyone but… I suppose I can tell you," Severus grinned.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Lily asked.

"It's not my decision to make," Severus replied, not really answering the question, though Lily couldn't disagree with his statement.

Charity was older, perhaps that would offset Severus's youth. Or perhaps Lily was being too judgmental. She knew that were she to get pregnant she would want the child. But on the other hand, she would have a lot of support from other people. Charity and Severus would only have each other.

"Sev… I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest," Lily said.

"Ask anything," Severus said.

"Why were you trying to meet people in Oregon on OkCupid?" Lily asked.

Severus looked away, seeming nervous.

"I… It's not what it looks like," Severus insisted.

"You said you would be honest," Lily said.

"Fine. I'll be honest. I was curious. I was lonely. With you gone… Dammit, Lily, you were my only friend," Severus plead, his eyes shining with tears.

"I didn't end our friendship, Sev. You did. That's on you!"

Severus grunted and shook his head.

"Be that as it may… I wasn't in a good place. I had a moment of weakness. But… I saw Charity's profile. Maybe you won't believe me but… I was instantly attracted to her. So I messaged her. We got along. She's… almost perfect. We share the same values and worldview," Severus said.

"Did you know I was dating her ex-boyfriend?" Lily said.

"Not at first, obviously. I saw it on Facebook," Sev said, confirming something Lily strongly suspected.

Lily wanted to call him out for having some stalkerish tendencies but for now was pleased to be getting some honesty out of him.

"So you noticed he was friends with Charity?" Lily asked.

"Oh, she had told me all about her ex-boyfriend James. And showed me pictures. When I saw that you were dating him I knew exactly who he was. It's a small world, after all," Severus said.

The whole thing made Lily uncomfortable but she couldn't deny that she had looked people up online who she used to know. Though she had certainly never looked up the area any exes lived on a dating website. That was weird but at least he wasn't denying it.

"Well… I appreciate you being honest, Sev," Lily said.

"Will you forgive me?" Severus begged.

"Tell me what it is you think you need forgiveness for," Lily said, worried he still might not understand.

Severus looked down at the ground, seeming thoughtful as his black hair hung over his eyes.

"I am sorry for… Sleeping with you after your mother died. That was wrong. You were vulnerable. I know you initiated it but… I should've said no," Severus said.

That wasn't Lily's top concern but she still said, "Thank you."

"I'm sorry that when you reached out to me and try to preserve our friendship… I wish I would've tried to mend things," he said.

"I agree. Thank you," Lily said, still waiting for the big one.

"I'm sorry that we haven't spoken since then," Severus said.

"Anything else?" Lily said.

Severus pursed his lips, looking nervous.

"Seriously? Come on, dude," Lily said, starting to walk away.

"No, Lily, wait. I'm… I'm sorry I… I'm sorry I acted the way I did. I was hurt and said things I shouldn't have," he said.

"That's putting it mildly, Sev. As I recall, you shamed me for my life choices. You shamed me for my sex work, oh and if you are wondering, yes I still let strangers jack off to me on the internet. I welcome it in fact because it pays the bills," Lily declared.

Severus looked very uncomfortable and tried to speak but couldn't seem to produce any words.

"You judged me for everything that I am because fucking you hadn't made me fall in love with you. I was honest with you. You promised me that sleeping me with me wouldn't change anything. I'm sorry you were hurt but that's not my fault! You hurt _me_ , Sev. You betrayed me," Lily said, her eyes feeling damp.

"I'm… I'm sorry," Severus said.

"Are you? Are you _really_? Or am I just making you uncomfortable? Dammit, Sev. You really disappointed me," Lily said.

Severus looked down at the ground. Lily thought he might be crying.

"I don't know if we can ever be friends again. I hate closing doors. For now… I think I'm still hurting. Maybe someday. I don't know," Lily said, and walked away, leaving him there looking at the grass.

* * *

"Remus!" Natalie said, running up to him and Sirius laying together on their blanket.

"Hey, Nat. What's up?" Remus said.

"Hey, Nat," Sirius said.

"Hey. Uh… Remus, could you come with me?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah. I'll be back, Sirius," Remus said, standing up to follow his sister.

"No worries. I'll keep the blanket warm for you," Sirius said.

"I _found_ her. Mom's girlfriend or whatever," Natalie said.

"Really? How?" Remus said, following Natalie down to where people were grilling food.

"She's there," Natalie said, pointing to a blonde haired middle-aged woman who was standing arm in arm with a butch woman the same age.

"Did you literally just find a lesbian and decide that was her?" Remus asked.

"No. I… did some digging. Actually… God, I know this isn't cool but… I got on mom's computer and checked her Facebook. I figured she's probably been searching for her. She's the only local lesbian mom has been creeping on. Her name is Amelia Hayworth," Natalie said.

"Nat, that's not cool!" Remus screeched.

"Fuck, I know, dude. I'm sorry, Remus. But how else was I going to find her?" Natalie said.

"I don't know. Well, now what do we do?" Remus said.

"We lie. We go up to her and say our mom mentioned knowing her. She's a librarian. We say mom noticed her at the library and said that she used to know her," Natalie said.

"Were you stoned when you concocted this plan?" Remus asked.

"Dude, I'm stoned _now_. What's the worse that could happen?" Natalie said and casually started walking to the woman as Remus followed, terrified.

"Excuse me, Miss. Hayworth? Hi, I'm Natalie Lupin. This is my brother, Remus," Natalie said.

"Sylvia's kids? Oh, it's lovely to meet you!" Miss. Hayworth said, shaking their hands.

"Hi, I'm Barb," her partner said, also shaking their hands.

"Uh, yeah, our mom said she used to know you? You went to church together?" Natalie said.

Amelia frowned briefly but ultimately smiled.

"Yes, we did," Amelia said.

"We… we had some questions," Natalie said.

"Is Sylvia _here_?" Amelia said, looking around with worry.

"Yeah, but she's up on the hill with my father. She's not going to come down here," Natalie said.

"Yeah. All right. Barb, do you mind?" Amelia said.

"Go ahead. I'll be waiting here," Barb smiled.

Amelia Hayworth followed them over to a nearby tree, Remus unsure exactly what was about to happen.

"So… I don't mean to get personal, Miss. Hayworth, but-"

"Please, call me Amelia," she insisted.

"Oh. All right. Amelia, our mom… We were wondering how you knew her?" Natalie asked.

Amelia sighed.

"Your mom… She was a very nice girl. We went to church together. I thought she was cute. And that girl loved Jesus, let me tell you. And I was pretty in love with Jesus too. I've never been much of a Christian. The rest of the bible doesn't interest me. Just Jesus. I think we were drawn together, your mother and I," Amelia admitted.

"She said she invited you to dinner?" Natalie asked.

"Well, yes, but… it didn't really happen like that. We were good friends. I thought maybe she was attracted to me but since she said she was straight I wanted her to make the first move. But gosh by the time she invited me to stay the night with her… we'd been friends for months," Amelia said.

Remus's mouth fell open and he glanced at Natalie who was having a similar reaction.

"I'm guessing she told a different version. Ah. Well, this is the truth as the best I recall it. She'd been hinting around for weeks that we should hang out at her place. But I was afraid. I was falling in love with a straight woman. She finally directly asked and I said yes. We went there and sat on her sofa and gossiped about Jesus. She never talked about her boyfriend… your father. Only in passing. You'd think Jesus was the only man in her life."

Remus and Natalie both looked at each other in shared disbelief as she continued, "She kept scooting closer and closer to me. I was so nervous. I was young but not so young that I didn't know better than to kiss straight girls. But she asked if she could kiss me and I said yes. And the kiss kept going… you can… use your imaginations for what came next."

"She said you were the one who tried to kiss her," Remus said, astonished.

Amelia frowned.

"That's not true. It makes an easy story when you don't want to make yourself seem anything less than straight. But it's not true. In the morning, I woke up feeling nervous but excited. And also guilty for having participated in infidelity. But she… she was very upset. I tried to talk to her… tell her how I felt and what the night before had meant to me but… she just kept telling me how she was sorry and that she wasn't a lesbian. She loved her boyfriend. For the first time she really needed me to know how much she loved her boyfriend. She said it wasn't fair that I had seduced her, knowing that she was heterosexual. I was hurt and furious. I told her not to call me. I quit that church."

"She said the opposite but without all the drama," Natalie said.

Amelia sighed and shook her head.

"As far as I know she quit the church too after I had quit. I asked some other people. She had asked around about me you see. She called me once but I hung up as soon as I heard her voice on the other end."

"So do you think our mom is a lesbian?" Natalie said.

"I have no idea what's in your mother's heart. But I know she had feelings for me. There are things you can't fake. That night we spent together was real," Amelia said.

"We want to help her," Remus said.

"Don't. Leave her alone. God, I shouldn't even be telling you both these things," Amelia said, looking anxious.

"So you haven't spoken to her in all these years?" Natalie asked.

Amelia blinked and looked confused.

"I see her every week. We meet up for tea every Wednesday. We have for about twenty years. Maybe a little longer. We buried the hatchet years ago. Or I guess… I forgave her. I'm confused, she didn't tell you we were friends?" Amelia asked.

"No," Remus said.

Amelia sighed and looked sad.

"I bet she hasn't told your father either then," Amelia said, looking increasingly upset.

Remus felt sad. Their mother was even keeping their friendship a secret.

"I'm sorry," Remus said.

"No, no, it's fine. Just… disappointing. I… have to go. I need to talk to my wife," Amelia said, waving goodbye and quickly walking away.

"How could she do that?" Natalie asked.

"I don't know. But I think it's time for us to butt out of mom's personal life. Maybe we aren't helping. Maybe we are just making things worse. What if this was a good thing in their lives and we just ruined it?" Remus said.

"I don't know," Natalie said and looked at her phone.

Remus looked at his phone. It was almost time for the fireworks.

"Firework time," Natalie said.

"Yeah. Let's go," Remus said.

* * *

Remus was looking bummed when he came and sat back down on the blanket with Sirius.

"You OK?" Sirius asked as Remus sat down between Sirius's legs.

"I guess. Mom lied about her lesbian friend. Big time. It was more than she said it was and they are still friends," Remus said.

"Wow. That sucks. That she lied," Sirius said, kissing the back of Remus's golden-brown hair and wrapping his arms around him.

"Yeah. I guess… I wish she could grow up today. Things aren't perfect but… maybe she wouldn't be closeted," Remus said.

"She's not dead. Maybe things will turn around for her. She has a lot of life left to live. Give her time," Sirius said.

"You're probably right," Remus said as Sirius pressed his face into the side of Remus's.

The fireworks started shortly. Personally, Sirius didn't care about fireworks but for some reason they felt more romantic than ever before. Remus kept leaning around to kiss him. Sirius wasn't a fan of public affection but no one was watching them anyway. They were all watching the exploding colors in the sky.

It was true that they lived in an era where they could relax a little here and there and be queer together in non-queer spaces. That was nice, he thought. He hoped for Remus's sake that his mother would be able to come to terms with her sexuality, whatever it was.

One of them should be able to relate to their mother. Sirius would _never_ be able to relate to his mother. He'd gotten the call from his cousin Andromeda yesterday. He hadn't found the energy to tell anyone yet, just like he hadn't found the energy to tell anyone about the job in Portland. He told himself he would tell everyone while they were at the cabin.

Remus was smiling so happily and looking so filled with life. Sirius kissed him again as shades of red and blue filled the sky. I can tell him my mother died later, Sirius thought and pushed it out of his mind.


End file.
